Have you ever noticed how life seems to speed up the older you get? I feel like I have so much to do, and yet there is so little time sometimes. Its like a speedometer. So when I was one my life went at one mile per hour. Now that I am twenty-eight it goes at twenty-eight miles an hour. For those who have reached their sixtieth it goes at sixtieth miles an hour. Oops you are going over the speed limit.
There is so much I want to achieve, but I feel like there is not enough time in the day. Or perhaps it’s the fact that I am not able to concentrate so well. I have always wondered why my mind seems to focus on a 100 things at once rather than one thing at a time. I don’t seem to be able to focus on one thing at a time. I have to do several things at once and nothing ever seems to get completed.
I always seem to have this undercurrent of failure beneath the surface. This sense that I haven’t achieved anything or made a success of my life. I am the definition of failure. That is a feeling I get. I am supposed to be studying. Supposed to be writing an essay. Not writing a blog about my sense of failure. I heard that this sense of failure is a pretty natural feeling for people who have Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). Sometimes I have a thought, and by the time I want to verbalise it the thought is gone. The thought often disappears vanishes into a timeless void and I can’t retrieve that thought anymore and sometimes what I want to say is so profound yet its no longer there. How is that possible? It just seems to have gone away and I have no way of retrieving it. Sometimes when I am with a group of people who are conversing – I zone out because I can’t focus. I never understood it until recently.
I used to think I had autism or a mild form of autism because I didn’t know how to interact socially or I had the feeling that my social skills were somewhat lacking. Though I do know how to interact properly with people, I zone out. Apparently that is normal with ADD. Which took me by surprise. But so thankful to the Lord that there is an answer to some of my quirky behaviours.
This is just a stream of consciousness blog. I have no idea what I am talking about. I am just writing down what I am feeling. Maybe there is no point in writing this. But I often find that writing helps me release some of the emotions inside of me.
My desire is to become a fully qualified and trained counsellor. I want to do something meaningful and fulfilling with my life. I want to be able to make a difference in people’s lives. I am not sure if I am doing that at the moment. In order for me to succeed I need to learn to focus and study without any distractions. How do I do that? How do I get away from my speeding life? Life speeding away from me? How do I slow it down more so that I can enjoy it more?