Nine Years On

Nine years on – I am a broken woman fragmented back together, I bare my scars.  I live to tell my battle wounds.  My emotional wounds.  When I moved to the UK for the first time I was stupid and naive.  I made many mistakes. I wanted to do everything independently rather than listen to the advice others. I was very cautious of people, fiercely independent and yet very naive and vulnerable. I didn’t trust anyone.  Or when I trusted someone I trusted the wrong person.

I laid in a bed nine years ago not understanding the magnitude of what was happening.  Losing my first child Micheline at 12 weeks in pregnancy. She was a baby. She had a heart beat and then no heart-beat.  One day she was there the next she was gone.  It impacted me deeply. For weeks after I walked like a zombie around.  A friend training to be a pastor did a tiny ceremony by the river for me with me to celebrate Micheline’s short life.  I guess it wasn’t meant to be. I was young and at university.  I wasn’t ready to be a mum yet I loved the child within me deeply. If she would have lived she would have been nine in early May. But she did not.  I laid there in my bed hearing the fireworks go off all around me. The first I ever heard about Guy Fawkes night.  I don’t know why I didn’t hear about Guy Fawkes the previous year.  Guess I was sleeping through my first year at university.

I remember writing her a poem I will see you again, my Micheline.  But that poem is gone.  Lost somewhere at sea. In the same way that she is gone.  Turned back to dust. Blending in with the nature around us. I learned a lot from my first pregnancy with her. I started to develop a closer relationship with God.  Though it wasn’t who I was at the time. My faith did not define me then. But it was really the beginning of my faith journey.  Well the beginning of my personal faith journey with God.  I learned about God when I was 14, attending a church youth group in Slovakia. Started to develop that personal faith with God, but it didn’t click until many years later.  Until nine years later.

Micheline came five years after I became a Christian and knew that God existed and that God was real. But my faith was weak.  And through her I learned about God’s grace. About God’s healing power and love. I became hungry for his love.  So, I have to thank my first child for showing me the authentic nature of God.  I was blessed to be her mum even if it was for a short while.  She had a purpose and she played a huge role in my life, in me eventually becoming a more faithful Christian.  A woman of God. Thank you Micheline for allowing me to be your mum even if it was for a short while.  You are a part of me and will always be a part of me.

I often wonder what you would look like, what your interests would be, and what we would be doing now if you had lived.  But what is the point in dwelling on these small points in life? I am glad you are safe. I am glad that you are at the feet of our heavenly Father, and that you do not have to experience suffering.  This is God’s mercy on your life.  I pray that we may meet again one day.

Happy 9th Birthday dear child. Love you always. Your Mama xxxxxxxxxxxxxx



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