Stream of Consciousness

My mind often wonders and marvels at life’s issues.  Well. If we can say that life has issues.  I used to question who I am. What is the purpose of my existence? Why was I chosen to live just over four years ago when my son died? The doctors had told my mum that I would die. I was ready to embrace death.  I think in many ways it would have been the easy alternative to living… But I am here, for now – till God calls me home.

Four years ago today I said goodbye to my son with a number of people.  Well it was his funeral service. It was his memorial service. We said our goodbyes.  We cried bitter tears of regret.  All those dreams that I had with him gone. Just gone.  I was functioning on auto-pilot till his funeral. After his funeral auto-pilot – denial changed to depression.  A deep dark depression that laid over my shoulders.  I still have moments where I am in the depths of grief – letting all the emotional turmoil swim around me, questioning why death had to occur? Why I couldn’t be a mum? It didn’t make sense to me my son’s death. It seemed a pointless death.  The doctors said that he had looked perfect. A full head of hair. Apparently a beautiful baby.  Yet I was not allowed to see him. Should I have fought to see him? Would it have made a difference in my grieving journey if I had been able to hold him, kiss him and say goodbye to him? Would it have given me a different kind of peace? A satisfaction of knowing that nothing more could have been done? Maybe a mother’s touch would have awakened my son. But this is all wishful thinking.  So, I tend not to dwell on these things anymore.

I tend to dwell on other stuff, now. Things that are of significance now.  Is there a relationship where I am attached, enfolded, where I belong even if I have messed up? It is what we all long for.  Is there grace for me? Where do we experience these things? Is there a place where I can feel totally safe? Accepted for who I am?  Unconditionally loved?  Is there someone who approves of me?  Will sacrifice for me?  Treasures me? Is there someone who sees me my unique contribution and helps me to express it? Encourages me? Affirms me?  I am not one of a crowd. I have a unique contribution.  Where do I belong?  Do I belong anywhere? Or am I just drifting? Running. Building up invisible walls around my fortress.  It’s easier to keep people outside of my walls, then letting them in. It is easier to keep them out so that I will not get hurt again.

But God keeps reminding me – he has different plans for me.  He doesn’t want me to hide behind those invisible walls anymore. He wants me to be open about my vulnerability. He wants me to be free. Broken but free from the chains I have put around myself. How do I become free? How do I become free from the pain that traps me? That ensnares me and has power over me? How do I change?  This is a long healing journey. Who am I?

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