Disconnected

I feel incredibly disconnected from life today. Though the sun is shining and it is unusually hot for this time of year. I should be outside enjoying the sun. The weather before the season turns and winter arrives on our doorstep. Yesterday highlighted a very important reason to why I made the decision all those years ago to leave this place so that my son could be safe. I was confronted with a harsh reality of the very real fear I lived with 7 years ago for 3 years.

I broke out in a sweat, heavy breathing, irregular heartbeat. I could feel my heart in my throat. As I stood frozen to the spot unable to move.  Willing my legs to run.  But such was the fear that encased me and I stood, barely able to stand – ready to faint.   I stood in front of the guy that had abused me for years. He was there in a crowded bus station. No mistaking it was him. He saw me first. Before I saw him. Before I could flee. I didn’t know what to do. I just stood there helplessly. Broken. Bewildered. Lost. Confused. Hurt. Uncomfortable. Painfully uncomfortable.

In that very moment I was reminded of my vulnerability. My fragile state of mind, and how in some ways I have come very far and in other ways I have not come far at all. For the most part I have been able to move on. But I see my own vulnerability. I see my own insecurities, my anxieties that I need to face head on.

Do I stay where I am? Or do I leave? What is the best course of action? Yesterday was a harsh reminder of what I had to experience when I was married.  For a long time I blocked this memory out of me. Only for to be confronted with it face-to-face.  The severe reaction I had when I saw him, and he grabbed me by the arm highlighted the enormity of what I went through just to keep my son safe. It also revealed that I blocked a lot out and didn’t deal with it because I simply couldn’t. Will I ever be ready to deal with what I went through 4 years ago just to become free?  Yet I am surprised at how I dealt with the situation. I could have had a worse reaction. Been too scared to go back home. To safe ground.

Yet today, I feel so unbelievably disconnected from life. Like I have lost that sense of peace I had which developed over the last few weeks.  Makes me kind of wonder what am I supposed to do?  Is it a set back?  I can’t concentrate on anything. I feel very uncomfortable today. I can’t focus.  The memories come and go. Haunt me at night.

But if I decide to listen to the voice without reason and leave. I would be admitting defeat.  If I listen to the voice with reason I would stay. Which voice is stronger?  If I leave, it would be giving into my ridiculous fears. And so the only thing I can do is declare God’s love over me. God’s protection over me and trust that he will protect me no matter what as I work through this sense of feeling uncomfortable and not safe anymore. Every part of me tells me to run. Don’t stay. Yet I know I have to face forward. I will keep  my eyes firmly planted on the Lord and face forward.  I will not allow fear to influence my decisions anymore.  And face this fear, this unease head on with courage.

Pray for me.

4 thoughts on “Disconnected

  1. This is my second attempt It’s new to me so had to ask a young friend how to Blog by which time I’d lost my BLOG RESPONSE…Life is learning 🤔

    Keep trusting God fully Hannah for His complete healing Thank Him for it and wait on Holy Spirits strength til you experience its fullness and freedom.

    I’ve not stopped praying for you.
    My life has been full on with serving opportunities requiring being away from home one after the other.

    Life’s a ball I pray you will soon experience that but meanwhile remember that every situation God allows in our life can teach us to rely more fully in Him.

    As you said Well done for the way you handled the unexpected. That’s growth.
    Be encouraged
    Luv and God’s very richest blessings
    Helen 🙏🏻💃🏻

    Like

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