I feel incredibly disconnected from life today. Though the sun is shining and it is unusually hot for this time of year. I should be outside enjoying the sun. The weather before the season turns and winter arrives on our doorstep. Yesterday highlighted a very important reason to why I made the decision all those years ago to leave this place so that my son could be safe. I was confronted with a harsh reality of the very real fear I lived with 7 years ago for 3 years.
I broke out in a sweat, heavy breathing, irregular heartbeat. I could feel my heart in my throat. As I stood frozen to the spot unable to move. Willing my legs to run. But such was the fear that encased me and I stood, barely able to stand – ready to faint. I stood in front of the guy that had abused me for years. He was there in a crowded bus station. No mistaking it was him. He saw me first. Before I saw him. Before I could flee. I didn’t know what to do. I just stood there helplessly. Broken. Bewildered. Lost. Confused. Hurt. Uncomfortable. Painfully uncomfortable.
In that very moment I was reminded of my vulnerability. My fragile state of mind, and how in some ways I have come very far and in other ways I have not come far at all. For the most part I have been able to move on. But I see my own vulnerability. I see my own insecurities, my anxieties that I need to face head on.
Do I stay where I am? Or do I leave? What is the best course of action? Yesterday was a harsh reminder of what I had to experience when I was married. For a long time I blocked this memory out of me. Only for to be confronted with it face-to-face. The severe reaction I had when I saw him, and he grabbed me by the arm highlighted the enormity of what I went through just to keep my son safe. It also revealed that I blocked a lot out and didn’t deal with it because I simply couldn’t. Will I ever be ready to deal with what I went through 4 years ago just to become free? Yet I am surprised at how I dealt with the situation. I could have had a worse reaction. Been too scared to go back home. To safe ground.
Yet today, I feel so unbelievably disconnected from life. Like I have lost that sense of peace I had which developed over the last few weeks. Makes me kind of wonder what am I supposed to do? Is it a set back? I can’t concentrate on anything. I feel very uncomfortable today. I can’t focus. The memories come and go. Haunt me at night.
But if I decide to listen to the voice without reason and leave. I would be admitting defeat. If I listen to the voice with reason I would stay. Which voice is stronger? If I leave, it would be giving into my ridiculous fears. And so the only thing I can do is declare God’s love over me. God’s protection over me and trust that he will protect me no matter what as I work through this sense of feeling uncomfortable and not safe anymore. Every part of me tells me to run. Don’t stay. Yet I know I have to face forward. I will keep my eyes firmly planted on the Lord and face forward. I will not allow fear to influence my decisions anymore. And face this fear, this unease head on with courage.
Pray for me.