It is 1.05 pm, four years
Since your birth.. and death
But it seems as if it only
Happened hours ago.

The air is thick with memories
Grief surprises me this year
Comes crashing in thick and fast
I remember all that could have been
Weak I have become
God is my refuge

I find myself looking back to
What could have been
If death didn’t come so obtrusively
Silently to hound me
Taking you away
Without a backwards glance
Wondering what it would have
Been like to be your mommy
Precious boy
You would not be a baby
But a four year old
Ready to go to school

I learn about God’s everlasting love
Compassion, his grace is sufficient
It is steadfast
Holds me when I am weak
I learn to live by faith
Developing a fuller dependency on God
God’s comfort brought me through tragedy
Triumph won, silently
I cling to the cross
Asking God
For the desires of my heart

Your death dear child may have
Been a tragedy but the Lord
Birthed something beautiful: training
To become a Christian counsellor
Serving a world full of grief
And hurt

From the moment
Of your miraculous existence
Inside me
I loved you instantly
I loved you intensely
I loved you
I love you
And I can only dream
Of days gone by
Of a time when you
Were with me
A part of me
Still a part of me
Wondering what it
Would have been like
To hold you in my arms
Hearing your laughter
Wondering what it
Would have been like
To take you to your second
Kindergarten class
Feeling your small arms
Around my neck
Hearing your innocent laughter
I long to wake you
Each day with a kiss or three
To see you grow into a handsome chap

I know without a doubt
This was God’s good
Perfect and pleasing plan
I have peace
I have accepted your death
As part of God’s bigger picture

Happy Birthday sweet child

I will not forget you, little boy
Nor do I wish to try
I will love you and keep you
Close to my heart
Until my dying breath
Forever yours
Mama