Happy 4th Birthday Sebastian

My dearest Sebastian,

Happy 4th Birthday in heaven!

If you were here we would be maybe having pancakes or waffles for breakfast I imagine.  We would sit around the table at Grandma and Grandpa’s house with Auntie Madeleine and I believe your uncle would also be there and we would come together and wish you a happy birthday. Except I am writing you a letter this year to wish you a happy birthday.  The fourth birthday letter since your passing.

I feel like I have missed out on a large chunk of my life: motherhood. Being your mother. But when I look at it, I haven’t really missed out, because being your mom for those short 9 months were one of the best moments in my life.  It was truly a honour and a privilege to be able to birth you into this world and let you go heavenwards.

It’s that time of year again where I reflect on everything that has been and didn’t come to be. Four years ago on the 26th of September I was told the devastating news that you had passed away. I still believed for a miracle. Hoping that by the time you were born God would have revived you and you would be screaming and crying, proving all the doctors wrong.  But three days later you were born with a silent dignity.

Even though you are not physically here – I am still your mom. I still think about you on a daily basis, and wonder what your personality would be like, and the things you like and don’t like. I didn’t get that chance, unfortunately.  I look back to that time and see how far I have come.

I define life before your death and after your death.  When you died a part of me died, and something new got birthed in me.  God took me on a journey, in the beginning it was slow and easy. Gently teaching me to trust him to get me through this grief journey. Four yeas on I have learned to let go, and let God be fully in control of my life. It’s scary, but God has given me the courage and equipment to deal with it.

I have to say that if you hadn’t died, life would undoubtedly be different. And though you are not here, you Sebastian have left a massive footprint on my life. I must give all honour to you my boy.  If I had not been pregnant with you, I would never have gotten to know God in the way I got to know God during the months I was pregnant with you.  It is you Sebastian who helped me to become courageous and to live courageously. It is you Sebastian who taught me to live by faith and to commit all things into prayer.

Thank you Sebastian for giving me the privilege to be your mom, even if it was just for a short while. I feel honoured and blessed to have known you. And I am only sorry I didn’t fight harder to see you.

Happy Birthday my precious child. Happy fourth Birthday in heaven.  Hip hip hooray.  Have a very happy birthday, and get spoilt with whatever you do.  Mommy always thinks about you, especially today and is sorry that she cannot be there to celebrate it with you.

Till we meet again. Know that I will always love you precious child.

Love you always Sebastian.
Your loving mommy



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