Dear Life-Partner,

I don’t know how many more times I will be writing to you…. Or if there is any point in this exercise. At the moment I don’t see the point in it except maybe on some level I hope that you will read these letters and be moved by them?

It is September. The birth month of my son.  I always find September a challenging month. In the run up to my son’s birthday, I always seem to go back into time where I get reminded of the memories before his birth and during his birth.  It is that time of year where I am running on the treadmill of what ifs.  If Sebby had not died, would I still be alone? Or would I have met someone who would be able to support me?  I guess there is no point in thinking about these things. I can’t live my life with what if.  It is a tyranny.  I have to accept what has happened and move on.  But it still hurts. The loss. The pain of not having my son here, truth be known.  I always find I miss him more at this particular time of year. And not being busy or in a job isn’t helping the situation at the moment.

I started my counselling course three weeks ago. It is a very interesting course and challenging at times. But I think it is worth it.  It gives me a deeper desire to help other people who are going through struggles.  It gives me a hunger to show them that there is a way out of this darkness that can sometimes be so all-consuming. That there is hope even when it doesn’t feel like there is hope.  If you know what I mean.

I went for a long walk today along the water-front.  I love walking next to any type of water. It gives me peace to hear the waves crashing against the sea wall.  It is always beautiful to see God’s creation. A masterpiece in itself. Always changing colours. Changing tides. Changing seasons. Yet stunningly beautiful.  So I enjoy going out to walk.  I think I would go out more if I had a purpose to my life. But right now I don’t feel like my life has any meaning or any purpose to it.  After my son Sebastian died – I had a purpose to get up.  I was living at my parents and I would take the dogs out.  It helped having something to take care off. It helped put meaning to my life.  Maybe I can get a dog? Who knows? I think it would help me.

The last months have been extremely challenging for me. Step-by-step I am coming out of this phase and I believe that soon I will have a job. Or at least that is what I am hoping for.  We will see. Assumptions can be dangerous.

I have been praying for you lately, and wondering what you are up to.  And hoping that you have peace with whatever you do. I am wondering what speaks to you? What moves you? For me listening to music moves me. It speaks to my heart a lot more than other stuff.  Music is an important part of my life even if I don’t play it myself.  I listen to it a lot. I always tell people of music that can bring hope to your spirit and draw you in the presence of the Lord.  I try and support musical artists that are not well known as I believe they have as much to say if not more to say than the popular ones.

Well I am praying for you. Praying for myself and hoping that soon I will get a job. Once I get a job I will let you know!

May you be blessed until the next time we speak.

Much love,
Hannah
xxx