Dear Life-Partner (14)

Dear Life-Partner,

I don’t know how many more times I will be writing to you…. Or if there is any point in this exercise. At the moment I don’t see the point in it except maybe on some level I hope that you will read these letters and be moved by them?

It is September. The birth month of my son.  I always find September a challenging month. In the run up to my son’s birthday, I always seem to go back into time where I get reminded of the memories before his birth and during his birth.  It is that time of year where I am running on the treadmill of what ifs.  If Sebby had not died, would I still be alone? Or would I have met someone who would be able to support me?  I guess there is no point in thinking about these things. I can’t live my life with what if.  It is a tyranny.  I have to accept what has happened and move on.  But it still hurts. The loss. The pain of not having my son here, truth be known.  I always find I miss him more at this particular time of year. And not being busy or in a job isn’t helping the situation at the moment.

I started my counselling course three weeks ago. It is a very interesting course and challenging at times. But I think it is worth it.  It gives me a deeper desire to help other people who are going through struggles.  It gives me a hunger to show them that there is a way out of this darkness that can sometimes be so all-consuming. That there is hope even when it doesn’t feel like there is hope.  If you know what I mean.

I went for a long walk today along the water-front.  I love walking next to any type of water. It gives me peace to hear the waves crashing against the sea wall.  It is always beautiful to see God’s creation. A masterpiece in itself. Always changing colours. Changing tides. Changing seasons. Yet stunningly beautiful.  So I enjoy going out to walk.  I think I would go out more if I had a purpose to my life. But right now I don’t feel like my life has any meaning or any purpose to it.  After my son Sebastian died – I had a purpose to get up.  I was living at my parents and I would take the dogs out.  It helped having something to take care off. It helped put meaning to my life.  Maybe I can get a dog? Who knows? I think it would help me.

The last months have been extremely challenging for me. Step-by-step I am coming out of this phase and I believe that soon I will have a job. Or at least that is what I am hoping for.  We will see. Assumptions can be dangerous.

I have been praying for you lately, and wondering what you are up to.  And hoping that you have peace with whatever you do. I am wondering what speaks to you? What moves you? For me listening to music moves me. It speaks to my heart a lot more than other stuff.  Music is an important part of my life even if I don’t play it myself.  I listen to it a lot. I always tell people of music that can bring hope to your spirit and draw you in the presence of the Lord.  I try and support musical artists that are not well known as I believe they have as much to say if not more to say than the popular ones.

Well I am praying for you. Praying for myself and hoping that soon I will get a job. Once I get a job I will let you know!

May you be blessed until the next time we speak.

Much love,

One thought on “Dear Life-Partner (14)

  1. Praying for you in all this. And through all this.

    From fifty years experience as a Christian I know that a) God is a great ‘bringer-through’. Note the ‘through’ part. Sometimes He delivers ‘out of’ too, but mostly, in my experience, it’s ‘through’!
    b) You don’t always get Reasons or Explanations. Just told to ‘trust Me and hang in there’ – see 2 Chronicles 20. There the Israelites had to ‘be strong’, ‘trust’, ‘turn up and stand firm’ and saw the LORD work mightily for them.
    Other times, through deep depressions (Sectionably deep) I’ve banged my head against the Reason ‘Because God’. It’s since become a great comfort.
    After all if there is no God, then there’s no Reason, no Plan, no possible Explanation.
    As most seem to think, life and everything really is Random and nothing really matters, including me, you, our children or anyone.
    c) It helps to learn how to grab your skittering mind and roller-coaster emotions and keep bringing them back to God (Isaiah 26:3) I’m still learning that one. But it seriously helps if, when you find yourself re-running events/arguments/whatever to consciously try to stop and replace the thoughts with prayer/Scripture/praise/a good song.

    I know none of this is easy to hear or to do, but I find it helps.

    God bless you richly in all you are and all you are becoming in Him.


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