Diary: Day 79 – 83 – A Walk on Water

Isaiah 40.29 – He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. 

I am trying not to write too much. To share my thoughts. My struggles. Because it is much of the same really.  That day I quit my job in Dublin after one day was probably one of the worst days of the year.  I knew I was doing the right thing. But it didn’t make the decision any easier.  Since then, I still don’t have a job.  I am growing weary. I have hardly any energy to look for a job anymore. Because I just keep getting rejection after rejection and it is really discouraging for me. How do you keep going when all you ever get is rejection?

God says to us do not worry for I will provide for your needs. It is true. He does provide for our needs. Yet, I feel like I am losing meaning and purpose to my life because I am not doing anything much. I am trying to stay busy. But to think on how to fill your day each day is becoming a trial too. I wonder how much more time I need before I can get a job? I don’t want to give up on my course.  I am training to be a counsellor and I am at least enjoying that.  But at the back of my mind there is this niggling feeling that I don’t have a job, and soon I won’t be able to pay for my transport costs or for the course itself unless of course I get a job.

Then it is also September. My mood goes up and down like a yo-yo. One minute I am OK. I can cope with what life has to throw at me. The next minute I am not OK and I struggle with what life is throwing at me.  Then I am on the treadmill with the endless what ifs. If only my son had not died… If only my son had not died I would not be in this predicament. Then I think back to those years and see how far I have come.  How I made God a priority in my life at that point just so I could survive. Since then God has become a priority and is never far from my reach. But I feel like he is a distant God at the moment. That he doesn’t hear me, doesn’t hear my pleas.  I am sure he does hear them though.

The last few days have been OK.  I had peace. I feel like I am going/moving in the right direction.  Today my emotions are all over the place. Please pray alongside me so that I can find a job to support myself.

 

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