Diary: Day 70 – 72 – A Walk on Water

Isaiah 48.17 – This is what the Lord says – your redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: ‘I am the Lord your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go.’ 

Often I feel like I need to do something to be useful. If I don’t do something, I am wasting my time, and I am not being useful.  In Germany, I learned sometimes doing nothing is better than being busy.  Sometimes resting is more important then being a busy bee.  Perhaps this is true.  I am learning to be content in what I have, and what I don’t have. I am learning to be content with the season I am in.  Depression and grief the likes of it isn’t easy to be in. But I know that God will see me through. He can teach me something in this season of darkness.  Well there is light. But my mood, my emotions go up and down. One minute I am happy. The next I am battling tears.  I try to hide my tears from the world. I try to hide my depression from people. I try to hide my weakness. Only it is obvious to them that I am not in a good place emotionally.

Not having a job is hard. Learning to trust God in these circumstances is hard, but it is God who directs our steps.  I am blessed to have a community of people around me – mainly strangers who I am learning to get to know who are reaching out to me and encouraging me to keep going forward, helping me to reach my potential. I am astounded by this fact, that people care about me, that people enjoy my company, that people actually like me. An introvert at best of times.  Yet somewhere along the lines I am able to bless people in return for how they have embraced me.

My head says run, Hannah, run. Go where it is easy.  Like going home to Slovakia, or going back to Germany would be easy. At least I know I would be able to get a job even if I wouldn’t like that job. But would going back bring me into God’s will? I do not hear God tell me to go back to Slovakia nor to Germany. I hear God telling me to stay. Not to run.  When things are hard I want to bolt out the door. When I am afraid I want to bolt out the door. I want to give up as soon as the going gets tough. But then there is this tiny voice inside of my head that says don’t give up. Keep going. Then I hear my younger brother’s voice and he says from all the people in the family, you have never given up, I want you to reach your potential. I want you to be happy. That means a lot to me.  Those words coming from my younger brother. People in my family telling me not to give up, to keep going because they know that I can reach my potential. It would be easier to give up wouldn’t it? It would be easier to pack it in and go somewhere where it is easy.

There is a divide in me.  On the one hand I want things to be easy and on the other hand I want to go through this trial and come out of it on the other end a stronger more spiritually mature person.  So, how do I embrace this? How do I embrace life when life is throwing tantrums in my face, and doesn’t go the way I want it to go? How do I allow myself to relax in this situation? The conundrum of if only, what if plagues me at night. The conundrum of how will I support myself keeps me awake at night. But in the roar of my fears, I hear God’s soft voice of stay still my child, don’t run, don’t flee, but wait and be still. So, I swallow my pride and I keep my eyes on the Lord. I try to stay positive in this illusion called life. I try to stay focused on what I do have. The blessings I do have. And that God has never abandoned me. And he won’t abandon me now.  I therefore, must not abandon my faith either, and keep my eyes focused on him. Keep my eyes on what is good. Keep believing that God knows what is best for me.  And what is impossible for me is possible for the Lord.

Will I let the fear haunt me daily? Or will I trust God to see me through this rough patch in my life? Where does my hope lie? Where does your hope lie? In the materialistic goods of today’s society? Or in the Lord? Who do you want to trust? Fear? or God? There is a hope so sure.  And this very hope lies with God. We must trust and live by faith. Amen.

2 thoughts on “Diary: Day 70 – 72 – A Walk on Water

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