1 Timothy 4.12 – Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.
I feel like I am not a good example to anyone. My faith falters. It goes up and down like a yo-yo. I try hard to keep my eyes focused on the Lord. But sometimes I think where is he in all of this? Why is it so difficult to keep fighting this battle? Why the struggle? If I were not a Christian – I would not be accountable to anyone. But I am a Christian, and I want to be accountable. I want people to tell me off when I speak negatively. When I sink into the warm pit of welcoming depression. Life hasn’t exactly been gentle over the last few months. But hey – at least I am still trying to keep my eyes on the Lord. Still trying to rise above the spirit of oppression, depression, despair, anger, frustration and much more. But how much longer?
What is my purpose on this planet? Four years ago – I was waiting excitedly for the birth of my precious son. Four years later, my son is dead, and I am battling onwards. Trying to rebuild my life as best as possible. Trying to move forward with my life. But what have I actually achieved? Have I actually made a difference to anyone’s life? I don’t see how I am an example to anyone when I don’t have my life together. No job. Still unemployed. That can all change in the days to come. Please dear Lord. How much longer before you release me? How much longer till everything falls into place? How much longer do I have to wait?
I’ve always wanted to be a mum. I’ve always wanted a simple life. I’ve always wanted to do what God wants me to do. On many occasions over the years I have given my life over and over to the Lord an said let your will be done. I allow God to lead me on. But I feel like I am walking around in circles – no longer sure of what my purpose in life is? Except maybe to be still and sit quietly in the Lord’s presence. My sense of fulfilment is not from achieving stuff but just being Father’s daughter. Is he really there? Is he really alive? Does he really hear my prayers? Does he really have a future planned out before me?
If I delight in the Lord, will he give the desires of my heart? How do I delight myself in the Lord? How do I move forward? Dear Lord help me please.