Diary: Day 68 – 69 – A Walk on Water

1 Timothy 4.12 – Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity. 

I feel like I am not a good example to anyone. My faith falters. It goes up and down like a yo-yo.  I try hard to keep my eyes focused on the Lord. But sometimes I think where is he in all of this? Why is it so difficult to keep fighting this battle? Why the struggle? If I were not a Christian – I would not be accountable to anyone. But I am a Christian, and I want to be accountable. I want people to tell me off when I speak negatively. When I sink into the warm pit of welcoming depression.  Life hasn’t exactly been gentle over the last few months. But hey – at least I am still trying to keep my eyes on the Lord. Still trying to rise above the spirit of oppression, depression, despair, anger, frustration and much more.  But how much longer?

What is my purpose on this planet?  Four years ago – I was waiting excitedly for the birth of my precious son. Four years later, my son is dead, and I am battling onwards. Trying to rebuild my life as best as possible. Trying to move forward with my life. But what have I actually achieved? Have I actually made a difference to anyone’s life? I don’t see how I am an example to anyone when I don’t have my life together. No job. Still unemployed. That can all change in the days to come. Please dear Lord. How much longer before you release me? How much longer till everything falls into place? How much longer do I have to wait?

I’ve always wanted to be a mum. I’ve always wanted a simple life. I’ve always wanted to do what God wants me to do.  On many occasions over the years I have given my life over and over to the Lord an said let your will be done.  I allow God to lead me on. But I feel like I am walking around in circles – no longer sure of what my purpose in life is? Except maybe to be still and sit quietly in the Lord’s presence. My sense of fulfilment is not from achieving stuff  but just being Father’s daughter.  Is he really there? Is he really alive? Does he really hear my prayers? Does he really have a future planned out before me?

If I delight in the Lord, will he give the desires of my heart? How do I delight myself in the Lord? How do I move forward? Dear Lord help me please.

One thought on “Diary: Day 68 – 69 – A Walk on Water

  1. Ok, kiddo. ‘Telling you off when you speak negatively’, but in a very kind tone of voice and with a very big hug!

    Also telling you that God does have a future planned out for you, exactly for you, exactly to fit you (or the ‘you’ He’s shaping you to become.) It won’t always be easy, or clear (ask me how I know this!) but He is and He will and He’ll lead and guide you through it all. Been there, done some of it, for fifty years now. (How/when did that happen?) Verses like Jeremiah 29:11-14(a), Ephesians 2:10 and others are there in the Bible precisely for us to cling onto when times get rough, appear uncertain and, being female particularly, we are swamped by various emotions. There are many things to be said for being post-menopausal (there isn’t much to be said for the process of actually getting there!)

    So yes, hang in there, Hannah. For He is most certainly hanging on to you. Delight yourself in the LORD and He _will_ give you the desires of your heart (Ps 37: 3-7) because if nothing else, as we delight ourselves in Him our desires become His and He _is_ going to have His way. I’ve read the ending. He wins!

    Which possibly sounds like triumphalism and ‘ok for her’, but it’s still TRUE. One thing I’ve discovered is the importance of reading TRUTH, memorising TRUTH and applying the TRUTH, particularly when all around, or all within seems to be going dead against any TRUTH of any kind.

    But one thing you do supremely well, Sister, is honesty. Too often Christians tend to put a ‘Sunday face’ on things and present that to the world, even to other Christians with whom they are close. Honesty is also a form of TRUTH and also important. As you so rightly say, and your counselling training should confirm; it’s right to be honest. To own up to one’s feelings and emotions about situations. After all, if we don’t, how can we begin to allow God to work on them, and us?

    Ok, end of sermon. Praying for you, as ever.

    Liked by 1 person

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