Diary: Day 73 -74 – A Walk on Water

Isaiah 46.4 – [The Lord says,] “Even to your old age and gray hairs, I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

Unsuccessful. Unsuccessful. Unsuccessful. Unsuccessful. Unsuccessful. Unsuccessful. Unsuccessful. Unsuccessful. Unsuccessful. Unsuccessful. Unsuccessful. Unsuccessful. You get the gist of what I am saying? Every day I receive an e-mail.  And I read unsuccessful. How much experience do you need before they see that you are good? How much experience do you need before you become employed? From unemployed to employed.  Each time I receive an unsuccessful e-mail – I am wondering whether the Lord really did call me to the Isle of Wight or whether that was wishful thinking on my part? What has become my purpose in this life? Or is there really no purpose anymore? I have either too much experience or I have too little experience but it is never enough.

A part of me no longer has the energy to look for a job – because it always seems to come back with those words unfortunately and unsuccessful. But what should I do?  Where do I get the energy to look for a job? How will I get a job? A good enjoyable job..? I will refrain from being negative. I am giving myself till the 30th of September to find a job.  If then I don’t get a job I will re-evaluate my situation and consider going home. Because without a job I won’t be able to fund my course to become a Christian grief counsellor. This is life.  It is full of disappointments, challenges, ups and downs.  This is a major down period for me.  I would rather be out of this down period than trapped in it.  What is my purpose dear Lord?

I would rather write. Perhaps become a freelance writer somewhere and earn my living through writing. But the steps to becoming a successful writer is long-winded and hard.  Even the whole process of becoming an established writer is gruelling. There is competition everywhere and who is to say that my writing style is good enough to be read? Maybe it isn’t as good as some of the other writers out there? Who knows. Writing is my passion. I feel alive when I write. I feel connected to the world when I write. I feel somewhat disconnected to the world when I am not writing. When I don’t have a creative outlet.

And with this, all the rejections, all the unsuccessful’s – I get lured into depression and loneliness’s warm embrace. A sense of meaningless in my life falls over me. Not knowing what my purpose is? Not knowing whether it is to become a Christian grief counsellor or not.  Not knowing whether I should go on a sabbatical for six months and just rest in the Lord’s presence?  Rest in his healing presence.  What do I need to do? What do I need to do to become a successful woman in the employment world?  Who am I?

I don’t want to give up. I don’t want to keep looking either and get rejected over and over again. So I am trapped on this treadmill wondering if there will be an end to this? Or whether I will just have to keep enduring. How much longer Lord? Before you tell me what to do next… Before you speak to my heart again. How much longer Lord?

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