I often think about you, wondering what you would be doing. How I miss you so much these past few days. September is your birth month. But it is also your death month. I always seem to be sinking into the pit around this time of year. Every time wondering what it would have been like to be your mum. What it would have been like to get you ready for school. Wondering what it would have been like to take you on walks, to take you places, to do family stuff with you. Although four years in a sense seems like a long time, in many ways it also seems to have flown by. When you died – I didn’t think that life could move on. But it has moved on to a certain degree. I have allowed myself to live again – but for what purpose? Everything seems to be falling apart around me. Today is a hard day. I have gone through a thousand bad days, I can go through a thousand more bad days by the grace of God.
If you were still alive, what would you do? What would your interests be? If you were still alive, what would I be doing? Would I be going off to university once a week to get my counselling diploma? Don’t think so. Would I have written a book? Don’t think so. Would I be writing my second book if you were still alive? Don’t think so. The day you died, my life veered course. It took another route. For two long years I was in the pit submerged in deep watering grief. After that the waves of grief seem to come and go with the seasons. Some days its easier than other days. I miss you terribly. I no longer know what the purpose of my life is. If you had not died – it would be a simple fact – I would be your mum. I would go to work and provide for your needs. My needs coming in last.
If you were still alive, what would yo be doing? If you were still alive, what would be the colour of your eyes? What would be the colour of your skin? What would be the colour of your hair? Would you have mummy’s smile or your dads smile? What would put a smile on your face? What would your personality be like? Would you be a kind and gentle soul? Or would you be active and lively? What would your personality be like? Would the animals be your best friends? I wonder all these things. I never get to live those moments of being your mum. I only had you for a short time. But you are still in my heart. You will always be in my heart.
I miss you precious boy.
Love you always.
Your loving mama