Hebrews 12.1 – Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.  And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.

I started this diary/log on the 29th of June. It’s a funny thing what you can remember now.  I was in such a low place then. I used to have a dog. And as I sit here in front of my desk I remember I used to sing Happy Birthday to my dog Nala every 29th of June till of course I had to give her away to Mr B because I was off to university.  I never wanted her to go there.  But what is it about dates that becomes so ingrained into our systems?

When I started writing this diary; I didn’t know where it would lead me, what I would be doing.  I had a plan in June. I had a plan in Ireland. Before everything collapsed around me and I no longer knew what to do.   I had a melt-down. And I am OK to admit that. It is OK to struggle sometimes in life. It feels like I have been on a long roller-coaster ride. I am not quite out of the woods just yet. But I am getting there. Slowly but surely. I landed on land a week or so ago.  From my room window I can see the sea.  No pun intended. Since landing on land, I feel more or less at peace. Nothing is certain yet.  But I have peace. And to have peace is important.

Everything around having a job is still uncertain. Everything around my life is pretty uncertain. But one thing that remains the same is having a God that will look after my needs.  Having a God that will provide for my needs. But I don’t know why God would want to provide for the likes of me. I mean what have I done to deserve such grace in my life. I am grateful and thankful for the Lord’s blessing on my life.  And I look forward to coming out of a hibernating period.

I feel like I have been hibernating since June. Like I just noticed that everything was falling out of place. And by just resting and trusting the Lord, things have started to fall back into place.  In a few days time I will start my counselling course to become a trained Christian counsellor.  This is something I have been waiting to do over two years. I know that not everything in life is certain. But for now this is the path God wants me to go on. It is hard to imagine that after over two years of prayer this step has finally arrived. A doorway to my future.

Many steps have taken me to this point in my life. Serving Jules Riding ministry. Talking and encouraging women/men/parents who have lost children for almost four years now. Learning to embrace grief after my son died rather than run from grief. Learning to be OK with what I have and not what I don’t have. Knowing that God is there even when it doesn’t feel like that.  I know that God has prepared me for the path that lays ahead of me. All the life events I had to face, all the challenges I had to face. All the opportunities I took opened the doorway to my future.  Ten years ago I started studying psychology. Ten years on I have more experiences under my belt which has enabled me to make an informed decision that this is something I want to do: study counselling – so that I can help others. Without these valuable challenges and opportunities I was faced with – I would not be the woman I am now.

I am grateful for the challenges I have experienced and grateful for everyone who has seen potential in me, and has helped open the doorway to my future. I am grateful for everyone who is supporting me, and encouraging me to reach for that goal and to the ones that keep reminding me that God loves me, that there is a God in the grand scheme of things, and that he will not abandon me no matter what.

I know there are Christians who do not believe in counselling. But if it wasn’t for the counselling I have received over the last years in my life, whether it was professional counselling or not – the simple truth is I would not be here. Counselling has a place in this world.  As long as we remember to be led by the Holy Spirit.  The Holy Spirit is the number one counsellor and we should listen to him all the time.

I have learnt that plans are never concrete. They can change. We need to be pliable to change. We need to learn to go with the flow. We need to embrace new changes without being afraid of new changes. I am so afraid of this new adventure. But if I didn’t take this risk – where would I be today? What would I be doing today? God has gotten me this far by his grace, and he will continue to lead me on.  I just need an extra push to get up from this deep slumber and embrace what is before me. I am so grateful for what God has given me and I am looking forward to honouring that.

I see life differently now. Ten years ago I was naive and young, and stupid. I made many mistakes. I used to believe that the world was my oyster. That entering into adulthood would be an awesome thing. That it would be better than being a child. But I am learning to enjoy every aspect of life rather than trying to race so fast through life that I miss opportunities.  Open the door Lord for my eyes to see what you have in store for me.  Help me to embrace what is in front of me.