Romans 12.12 – Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.
I woke up this morning with a sense of dread. With a sense of wanting to run away before this new part of my life would start. But I am still here, my two feet planted firmly on the ground, not going anywhere. Wondering. Hoping. Trusting. But on the flip side of the coin I experience other emotions. Fearful. Doubt. Not trusting. How can I believe and see that God is watching over me. That God has got his best for me?
I am learning the art of being patient. I am learning the art of praying constantly whatever the circumstance may be. I am learning to rejoice in hope, and being patient in tribulation. But it isn’t easy. It is a challenge for me. On Monday I have my interview. Will I get the job? Am I prepared for the interview? Will they think that I am good enough for the job? All I can do is trust the Lord. Trust that this is where he wants me to be. Hmm.
When I was in Germany it was easier to retain my peace. Now I am in the UK it is harder to retain that peace. Maybe because it is something to do with my past. Fleeing from my ex-husband over four and a half years ago due to the physical and emotional violence I experienced from him. Now I think what has possessed me to come and stay here again? When all I can here is the insides of me screaming run Hannah, run. But if I run will I miss God’s best for me? I have to take risks once in a while. This has a potential for a huge reward. And if it doesn’t work out what is the worst case scenario? Every experience is to my benefit. Failure is only temporary. What are the rewards? Completion of education – of something I actually want to do, the opportunity to share the gifts that I have, meeting people of like interests, growing in my faith. So why does every fibre in my body say run Hannah, run. That voice is not God’s voice. That much I know. What will I do? I am learning to take a step at a time. If it doesn’t work out, I always have a back-up plan.
I just want things to work out this time. I want things to fall into place. I want to do what God wants me to do. I don’t want to do what I want to do. I want to be able to embrace this new chapter. But even that is challenging. God help me to find that peace that I have been experiencing over the last few weeks. What did you mean by the two doves? What way is the best way for me?
So, I am learning to be still. I am learning to pray and worship. I am learning to seek his presence and believing that God knows what way I need to go and that he will tell me this clearly. Pray with me.
This chapter in my life feels certainly like a walk on water. It certainly tests me to see if I will trust God and not sink, like Peter when he walked on water. What was he thinking? The impossible is possible by faith, by God’s grace.