Diary: Day 40 – A Walk on Water

Mark 6.50 – Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid. 

I slept poorly last night.  There was a storm brewing within me. Fear brewing within me.  Thinking how will I pay for my course if I only get a part-time job? Will things fall into place for me? In the end I just laid it down at the foot of the cross and decided not to worry about it as it was just stressing me out. God is in control.  So why should I care?  Because I know that God cares.  So I shouldn’t have to worry.

Then I had my mind set on applying for at least two jobs today. In the end I only applied for one job, and tomorrow will be the second job. We will see how it goes. It took me a long time to write an application form. I am not good at that stuff. At selling myself. It doesn’t give me any peace. It stresses me out.  But each time it stressed me – I put it to the side till I was calm again. I prayed, asking God to give me peace, to give me courage.  It seems each time I apply that I am paralysed from the fear of having to sell myself. Paralysed from the fear that it will be another rejection.  I had to change my attitude. My mind-set and believe that I am good enough for the job. So, in the end I wrote something and I applied. Hopefully it is enough for the job. Who knows? Only God knows.

Today was a hard day. Physically. It was hot. Too hot for my liking. Thirty-six degrees Celsius.  My head was pounding against my skull. Almost like a migraine attack. Except it wasn’t. The heat puts pressure on my head. Plus it tires me out for some reason, so I am like the dogs. Hibernating in a semi-state all day, trying to stay cool. Panting to stay cool.  But does it help? No! Not really. A cold shower does the trick.

I am still fighting a realm of emotions. A realm of fears.  A realm of anxieties. A realm of insecurities. What if it doesn’t work out?  What if. What if. What if. What if. The endless conundrum of what ifs echoing in my head. Its tiring sometimes trying to figure things out.  Better to let God be in control then be in control of myself.  Better let God fit the puzzle pieces together rather then me trying to do it.  I will get through this.

I feel somewhat sad today. My time with Erika is rapidly drawing to a close. It has been such a great blessing for me to be able to stay here with her.  In her own issues with her family I forced myself not to look at myself, but help others too.  By cooking meals. This in turn forced me to look after myself, when for weeks I barely ate anything because I was just down in the rut.  Depressed. Worn-out. Emotionally wrung out.  But here I am a few weeks later, tentatively taking another step into this big world. Wondering will I cope?  What if I don’t cope? What if everything collapses around me again? Then what will I do? Take it to the cross.

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