Diary: Day 32 – A Walk on Water

Psalm 27.1 – the Lord is my light and my salvation — whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life — of whom shall I be afraid?

Life seems to have come to a startling halt over the last couple of months. It is hard to imagine how much has happened. How I reached an all time low a couple weeks ago. How I don’t like the situation that I am in. Yet I keep persevering through it because what other choice do I have?

Life doesn’t always move forward. Sometimes it stands still, sometimes it moves in reverse. TIME always moves forward, but not life.

I often go to bed with this intense fear, anxiety and insecurities that rages through my body. Wrecking havoc. I can hear my heartbeat go a 100 miles an hour. I can feel my blood going through my body. I can feel it boiling from fear and anxiety.  Fear and anxiety curses through my body and makes me feel incompetent. Unable to move forward. Paralysing me a state of fear. To the point that I can’t think about anything else except this: no-one cares, no-one loves me. I go to bed then and I stumble into this restless sleep. A sleep that becomes more like a prison.  Nightmares come. They don’t knock on my door. They just come in and steal so much. I have to learn to have a relaxed attitude but it doesn’t always come easy.

Yesterday, I received prayer for the overwhelming fear and anxiety to be released.  I went to bed feeling more relaxed. I couldn’t feel this fear and anxiety having the upper hand. God’s love was more strong last night. Praise the Lord.  I eased myself into a sleep. It became a peaceful slumber.  Thank you Lord.

I admit though, that I am prone to negativity.  It is my default mode.  It is like a switch inside of me. One that just turns on and I am falling and falling into that trap. And I wonder. How do I get out of that negativity? I have a cross. I hold it in my hand, and I pray to the Lord to release me from my negativity.  After all the power of life and death is in the tongue (Proverbs 18.21). I need to learn to think and speak positive truths of my life. I need to learn not to take out my negativity on people I love. But it seems impossible sometimes.

I miss my spiritual dad. The dad that has taught me so much about God’s love. About God’s grace. I miss it. But I also know that it is a blessing from God. And I will cherish the moments that we did have together. It is God’s gift to someone who didn’t grow up with a father’s love.  So, thank you Lord for giving me a spiritual father who can show me your love. Your grace. Your glory.  Thank you for giving me people who can show me your love.  Your love is sufficient for me.

I struggle onward, but I know I am in a better place emotionally and spiritually than I was a week ago.  I am now learning how to be in the Lord’s presence. I am learning to be still. I am learning to rest. It does not come easy for me, but I am doing it step by step. I am now waiting and praying for God to open that door for me to be able to study in that Christian counselling school somewhere in England.  If it is the Lord’s will he will lead me on.

One thought on “Diary: Day 32 – A Walk on Water

  1. Glad things are slowly clearing for you and that you slept well last night. We’ve had a cool weekend here in the UK and we managed to sleep too.

    Even ‘default settings’ can be changed. Takes time, but with hard work from you and God’s Holy Spirit it happens (ask me how I know!) Continuing to pray for you.

    Liked by 1 person

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