It has been a while since I wrote. I apologise for that. I just thought at one stage – what is the point in writing these letters? Is there any point? Is it perhaps stupid to do so? Who knows? Does it make me sound desperate? I don’t think so. I am doing it because I see it as another way of God preparing me for what is to come in the future (at least I hope so)!
I realise that I started writing to you nearly a year ago (5th August 2017). Now, we are 28th July 2018. My mom’s birthday. A lot has happened since I left Berlin. Leaving Berlin was a good decision. Leaving that job behind was a good decision. I travelled a lot in the last months, sharing my story with people across Europe. Saw a lot of places. Touched a few hearts on the way. I love sharing the good news with people. I love sharing God’s love with people. That is so important to me. I have this urgency and desire to get to know God on a deeper and more personal level. Every day this desire grows bigger.
Tomorrow signifies a day in my life that I cannot forget easily. It will have been four years since I left the UK in preparation to give birth to my son. What I didn’t know at the time was that my son would be stillborn. Would I have exercised the same kind of faith if I had known that my son would have died? Tomorrow brings back some bittersweet memories. But a lot has happened since then. A lot of spiritual growth has taken place. A lot of healing has taken place. And for that I praise the Lord.
I thought my life would start in Ireland. I thought that this is where God wanted me to go. How wrong I was. I recently had a burnout. Or a meltdown. Whatever way you want to see it. I feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself for getting so low. For collapsing to the point that I had no energy left. To the point that people became concerned for me, and prayed for me. Prayed that the Spirit of Oppression, Spirit of Death would leave my side. It was slowly taking over me, those spirits. It was slowly suffocating me. I have been documenting my journey in A Walk on Water over the last month. It helps me to see how far I have come, and how low I was. Its also in another few posts which have different titles. I hear about burnout all the time. I didn’t think that I could experience burnout. I didn’t think I would reach a point where I couldn’t go any further. Where I just felt trapped. Defeated by my situation. Overwhelmed by everything around me. Overwhelmed by social situations. I couldn’t venture out for a while. Meeting people was just too much for me. I had too much turmoil inside of me.
I feel like I have come to a major standstill. A major roadblock. With no way of going forward. I feel like by slowing down that I have hindered my chances of meeting you one day if indeed this is what God wants for me? Would God want me to meet someone? Would God have someone special for me? Or is this just my own desire? And who would want someone who has major anxiety issues (well not major) but I do have anxiety issues, which I am getting help for. And who would want someone with insecurities? God would have to bring someone who is long-suffering, and sees my potential. But is that even possible? Would you be patient with me when my anxiety and insecurities go through the roof? I wonder. Or am I to live a single life for the rest of my life?
I do pray for you, but not as often as I used to. Maybe because I am afraid. Maybe because I think this is totally impossible. And that this only happens to other people. Maybe this only happens to ‘good perfect functioning Christians’ not to someone like me. But I am told that God is the God of the impossible. But how do you meet your life-partner? How do you meet that person? If one is mainly a social recluse. Afraid of social situations? How then is it possible to meet someone? To be honest I have pretty much given up on this. But I know that I need to keep trusting God till we meet one day. We’ll see. The Lord knows. The Lord is in control. Not me.
I wonder if you are praying for a wife? And what you want from a wife? What is important to you? For me I believe that being in partnership, praying together, believing in each other’s potential is important. If there is no prayer then how will it strengthen the marriage? Anyways maybe one day you will share all these thoughts with me, if indeed the God of the impossible will provide me with a husband, and you with a wife.
Anyways know that I am praying for you, and may we meet one day if it is indeed in the Lord’s will for me to have a husband.