Diary: Day 25 – A Walk on Water

Psalm 55.6 – I said, “Oh, that I had wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest.”

To rest or to look for a part-time job? To rest till the end of the summer and then look for a job? Or has this job hunt for a good job become an obsession?  To slow down is the other alternative.  Many people have said – slow down Hannah. Slow down Hannah.  I have drastically slowed down in the physical sense of the word. But my thoughts are still going one hundred miles an hour.  Wanting to provide for myself. Wanting to be in control of my life. Feeling guilty – for staying at people’s homes free of charge. Doing nothing most days. Just resting. Yet my thought process cannot be switched off.  Questions. Questions. Questions.  A sea of questions line up like soldiers waiting eagerly to be answered. But I have shoved them to the side. I have put them in the too difficult box at this moment.

It feels like my life has imploded. It feels like a burnout phase.  Or maybe a mini meltdown. What has brought me to this stage in my life where everything around me seems to have imploded? Where every simple task seems to take an enormous amount of effort to achieve. Looking at a mere job application sends me flying into a panic attack. So, I leave it at that. I put it in the too hard basket. I don’t even look at a job at the moment because my stress-levels go through the roof.  What does it mean?

What does to rest mean in the presence of the Lord? What does it mean? Being. Doing nothing. For a long time, I have always thought that to serve the Lord was to do. To do, to serve, to not be still. But to work hard, to achieve. But now, lately, I am beginning to realise that to rest means to be still in the Lord’s presence. I often sit in the sanctuary upstairs in this big house and spend time with the Lord. I listen to music, I pray. I sit with him and I am still before him. Doing nothing. Just resting. Resting a foreign sound to my ears.

To rest? Or to look for a part-time job eventually? What is it that the Lord wants me to do? What am I to do? To be still, and to be my Father God’s daughter.

 

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