Psalm 32.8 – I will instruct you and teach in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.
Today has been slightly easier for me. I feel more at peace, and was able to let go of all that turmoil inside of me that has been eating at me for weeks and weeks on end. Saying that I am still not out of the woods yet. I am still battling a myriad of emotions. But there is progress. Some. At least. Or at least I hope there is! For the first time in weeks I woke up feeling relatively at peace. And felt like this spirit of oppression and death had lifted off my shoulders. Maybe it was just knowing the presence of God was with me. So, so close. Who knows?
I keep having this dream over and over and over again over the last few days. I am walking in the dream in this new land, but I don’t recognise this land. I keep picking up coins. Not just one or two but hundreds, thousands of coins. It is a very powerful dream for me. But then the enemy comes in and robs it. Robs the security. Threatens me. Wrecks havoc in my life. But for some reason, God’s peace reigns over me much deeper than the enemy who tries to drive a wedge between me and God.
I was in two minds about going to church. Simply, because meeting people overwhelms me at the moment. Too much social stimulation seems to shatter my somewhat fragile existence. And I dread the question how are you? What are you up to these days? Where do you work? Are you on holiday? For some reason I felt a nudge from God to attend church, so I go. I spoke in this church many months ago, sharing my testimony. Some people still remembered me. Others didn’t but had heard of me. The pastor gave me a warm embrace, and then when the service started he welcomed everyone and mentioned me by name when I just wanted to be invisible. Yet, it felt good being welcomed. It helped restore my faith in Christians in general. That they are not all bad. That they are not all judgemental critical people. Because so often I have been let down by Christians and Christian groups. They say one thing but do another. So, it felt good to see that here was a community that cared for their people.
I got prayed over. I was told it was OK to be angry with God, and that it was OK to have questions. But that I didn’t have to worry because God is in control, and that I shouldn’t fear. The thing that struck me the most was that one woman who has never met me before had a vision for me. I was on water, an endless sea of water. Two doves were circling above me but had nowhere to land, so I stretched out my arms, and each dove landed on one arm. On the one arm there was a dove with a olive twig, and on the other one had nothing in its beak. I was told that land was near. That it was a bit like Noah’s ark. Land is coming. And that I will have to make a choice. But that neither choice is wrong. Just one choice is more anointed. It gave me hope that perhaps there is an end in sight. Perhaps this wobbly time will draw to a close, and that peace will replace the turmoil. I was also told that it is very important to embrace this time of rest, this time of slowness, so that I can learn more and more about Jesus. It encouraged me greatly. For that word I am thankful. I am thankful to the Cross Light church in Attendorn for encouraging me today when I was at my lowest low.
I am OK. I have my moments of deep despair. And I have my moments where I am OK. I guess I can now see a bit of why I am documenting this journal. A Walk on Water. Before I did not really understand why I was documenting it. I just suddenly started writing it, because in all honesty it feels like a walk on water. It feels like I am in this constant battle field. Fighting between light and darkness. Fighting between good and evil. I just want to have peace. Ever lasting peace. But for that I need more of God’s grace in my life. For that I need to know Jesus more, and live more like Jesus and less for myself. I need to keep trusting God even when the going gets tough. Even when I feel hopeless.
Yesterday, I felt hopeless. Today, I feel hopeful. Today, I feel encouraged. Today, feels like the first glimmer of hope in this dark journey. I can’t remember the last time I felt this down except for when my son died when I fell into this bottomless pit that seemed to never end. There are moments when I think about my son, and wish that he didn’t die. If he hadn’t died then I would still be his mum. Suppose, I am still his mum. But my point is his death was a catalyst for all that has changed in my life. For the path that I am now on. If I had been a mother to a living baby, I wouldn’t have gone all over Europe travelling up and down. I would be in one place and my primary ministry would be at home. For my son to get to know Jesus.
I am also aware that almost 4 years ago, I left UK to go home to give birth to my baby. It never ceases to amaze me how fast time goes, and yet sometimes it just feels like yesterday. The anxiety, the fear. Everything. It sometimes feels like I haven’t made any progress but in actual fact I have made a lot of progress.
I am thankful that my faith is anchored in the Lord, and that I can come to him when I have struggles and that he hasn’t turned his back on me. That he has always been there for me, leading the way.
Thank you for all your prayers. Please continue to pray for me as I continue to seek the Lord’s will for my life.