Psalm 119.30 – I have chosen the way of truth; I have set my heart on your laws.

Today was a rough day for me to start off with. I felt agitated. Frustrated. Disappointed. Defeated. Discouraged. Exhausted even though I had a deep peaceful sleep and the day had not even started. The tears were on the surface. I was weeping. And I couldn’t stop my tears. This further fuelled the turmoil inside of me.  The pain inside of me and I wondered what has become of me?

I want to have a fast-forward button. A button that I can press and zoom past this part of my life.  But I also realise that if I could use a fast-forward button maybe I would miss God’s best for me? So, I suppose each journey has its own twists and turns. Despite how difficult this is for me.  This darkness. This desert place.  A place where there is no water in this dry and parched land.

I spent a long time in the sanctuary today.  Thankful I didn’t even have to leave the house for that. I am staying with people in Germany. In the middle of their home they have a little chapel where you can retreat and just spend time in the presence with the Lord. I spoke with God about my disappointments, frustrations, all that seems to have been lost, and how my purpose seems to have vanished.  I asked God what does he want me to do? What does he want to tell me? I just heard patience, wait, trust me, don’t be afraid. Yet again.  How many times have I heard those words in the last year?  How I desire to know what God wants me to do, and not walk aimlessly in a circle of uncertainty.

I am thankful for the sanctuary. Its becoming my favourite place in the house. I wept. A lot. And when I wept, the dog that lives here with this lovely German couple jumped on top of me and tried to comfort me in my despair. She didn’t like the tears. Livia the dog got a smile out my face. It felt good to smile. Even if it was just a faint glimmer. I also just felt like God was holding me in his arms today as I cried… So I suppose that’s a start?

I don’t know why I am documenting this journey. For what purpose this is. But 23 days ago, I just felt that I had to document it. For whatever reason. It is an honest account of the turmoil I am facing… I am not looking for sympathy or understanding. I am just being truthful that I can’t always be strong. That it is OK to be weak.