A Sense of Failure

Nothing seems to be working out for me at the moment. I feel lost in this giant world. Wandering aimlessly around not knowing what way to go. How to accomplish the goals I so deeply desire to achieve.

Pain is currently the word in my vocabulary. Written all over my face. The epitome of failure.. Hurt. The constant stream of tears. The ache of wanting to belong. Of wanting to be accepted for who I am. I don’t want to be defined by successes nor by failures. I am who I am and I try my best. And yet I fail over and over and over and over again. I become a let down. A disappointment. The woman who runs from fear. But lately I don’t have a sense of belonging anywhere. I want to be loved unconditionally and appreciated for who I am. But here I am again facing the battlefield alone. Hoping that God will be my strength. Because honestly I cannot do it anymore. I have surrendered this fight.

I don’t want to stand at this crossroad today. I don’t want to be alone or feel alone anymore. I want to belong. Where do I belong I wonder?

Society keeps going. Keeps turning and churning money. It’s become increasingly passionless or should I say money focused. The rich keep their money and live in a cocoon. Safe from the hardships of life. The workers who work hard to keep a roof over their head can barely afford to help others and yet they do help. Because they understand suffering. They understand hardships. They understand the need to defend others in similar situations to themselves. One day the table will turn.

Greediness has become the norm. But what about compassion? The hunger to help people in this self-obsessed society we live in. Yes, now perhaps I am greedy with who I help. Sometimes in the red-zone you just need to stop and let go. Let go of everything and start again from Ground Zero. Will my circumstances change? I hope so.

At the crossroads once more. Journeying on. I am and feel like I am the definition of failure. Of brokenness. Walking wounded. That is who I am today.

2 thoughts on “A Sense of Failure

  1. Hannah, no matter how it seems, you aren’t alone. One thing I’ve found about life in general and difficulties in particular is that the Devil likes you to think it’s just you, stuck there in the dark, all on your own.

    First, it’s dark so you can’t see quite how many are there with you in similar situations.

    Second, even the darkness is as light to God. He can see you, He is there right with you. Remind yourself that, it’s fact. Your feelings, though strong and churning, are incorrectly informed.

    Not that it’s wrong to feel as you do, just that you aren’t stuck there all on your own. However bad it feels, and it clearly does feel terrible.

    Praying for you. Hugs

    Like

  2. Hannah. I wrote a poem once called ‘Failure Is Not Final’. You may be down today but I pray your time in Germany will be a time of refreshing and reconnecting with God, because he’s the one who can ultimately refresh you and lift you out of this mire. Is 40.31 Praying for you, you will get through this.

    Like

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