Job 17.1 – My spirit is broken, my days are extinguished, the grave is ready for me.
Total collapse. Total exhaustion. Total confusion. Burn-out. The edge. Or at the start of it? Operating in the red-zone. Not knowing which direction to go. I am fed up today. Boy this life is not easy for me. And no-one seems to care. Somehow.
I stand and watch myself at the front of this great desert plain. Alone. Desperately trying to cling onto something. Desperately trying to see through the dust. The dust sticking to my tear stained face. I sink into the sand. The tears pour out. Collapsing. Just existing. Just breathing. Just functioning. The wind swirls around me. Chucking away at each emotion. Turning each balance into an in-balance. Telling me that I am all alone. Unworthy. That I don’t belong. I wonder why? Where are you God in this raging wind? Why can I not hear you? Whatever direction I go – I am trapped. Defeated. There is no purpose to this life… or is there? Who am I? Who cares? I don’t hear. I don’t see. Everything is raging. Raging. Raging. Raging. Raging. Raging. As I sink further and further and further into the sinking sand. No-one is here to save me. Just alone. Again. Battling. Defeat. Defeat. Defeat. Trapped. Depressed. Deeply burdened. No-more. I can’t do this no-more. Fading away with the sands. Fading. Fading. Fading.
I slept many hours. Till 10 this morning. First time in years I did this. Could barely do anything for the rest of the day. Everything takes time and energy. Everything takes energy. I do not have energy. I do not have the energy. I am engulfed in a raging fire destructing the person I was becoming. Collapsing into a heap on the floor. I had a migraine to add to my already bleak day. I forced myself to have a shower. I forced myself to go out and take pictures. I forced myself to do stuff. But I didn’t really see any point. I forced myself to eat. But even that took effort. Even that simple activity drained me.
And so I try and write a prayer down. One prayer. It is a start. But my sense of failure is increasing. My sense of not belonging is raging. My sense of existence is gone. I am just an empty-shell. No-one sees. No-one reaches out to that woman sitting in the cafe at the airport with tears dripping down her face. As the sobs engulf her body. The broken tears of defeat. Of failing. No-one cared. No-one asked are you alright? No-one messaged to see are you alright? I am a woman blending in with the walls. Fading. Fading away. This was yesterday. This is today. Today I am fading. Today is over, and sleep can come and be a welcome escape to the prison I am in.