Diary: Day 6 – A Walk on Water

Psalm 6.3,6-7 – My soul is in deep anguish. How long, Lord, how long?  I am worn out from my groaning.  All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow, they fail because of all my foes.

Though Ground Zero is shaky beneath me, the Lord my God is my strength. Yesterday, was another challenging day for me on this new journey before me. The last time I cried this much was when my son died. I cried all day yesterday. I couldn’t stop. The emotions were just flooding out of me.   During the crying yesterday, towards the end of my evening I felt more peaceful. I felt calmer. I felt released.

I had all this turmoil inside of me. I don’t really know from where. Maybe it is from the moves. Maybe it is from quitting the job on the first day. I have never done something like this before. It was a risk, a gamble that I took.  I mean it is not totally right to just quit, and not really say anything. Except that the employment agency that helped me get this job would deliver the news. The company said they wanted me. That I had a fantastic application and that I would be an asset to the company. Blablabla. But I had all this turmoil inside of me. After weeks of them saying they would provide me  with the details, it didn’t happen. In my heart I knew already that this wasn’t going to work. That this wasn’t going to fit. But I took it anyways because it was the only job offer I had. So, I took it. I thought this was my only option.

But on the first day at the office, everything was fast-paced and disorganised. The turmoil and angst inside of me was big. So, I quit after the first day. I walked away. It took courage for me to leave and say this isn’t for me. It took courage for me to leave and say I will not be a part of a company culture where everyone is self-obsessed about escalating other colleagues instead of helping them,  Where everyone just thinks about them, a ME culture develops, push comes to shove. No-one cares about anything or anyone anymore. It has become a self-obsessed society. An obsession with oneself. A passionless society.

I want to do something meaningful with my life. I want to make a difference somewhere, where ever the Lord leads. I want to go somewhere, where I can find peace, where I can experience a deeper sense of spiritual healing, and draw even closer to God. I want to be involved in a ministry where I can impact lives, encourage people, give them hope, and be a blessing to others.  I don’t want to be one of those passionless people. One of those people that becomes obsessed with oneself. I want to go out into this world, and share the Good News with everyone – in a way that God has called me to do so.. It is just getting there that seems to be the issue. But with the Lord’s help all things are possible in his good time.

Today is a day of new opportunities. I will try and embrace them. I won’t let depression wrap me around with a dark blanket. I will look towards God for help.

Dear Lord – thank you for comforting me yesterday when I broke down and cried all those broken tears. Thank you for being by my side. I trust you Lord to see me through the coming days here in Ireland or wherever you may lead me.  Amen.

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