Trespassing

Some days I feel like I am trespassing an invisible wall. Or I am that invisible wall that no-one can see. It is either like I exist or I don’t exist. Like I am still trapped in a bubble. Still a caterpillar stuck in its cocoon, not able to emerge out.

Who am I? I guess the reality of the situation is that if we decide to follow Jesus, we have to accept that suffering will cross our paths, and that rather than being bitter about it, that we should embrace it with open arms.  But how easy is that? How easy is it to embrace the role that God ordained for us?

It hasn’t been easy day for me today. It all started with a dreadful nightmare. It shook my foundations of well-balanced peace.  The dream plays over and over and over in my mind.  All is well. A relief in itself. Yet, somehow I cannot shake off the fear. The bitter taste of something bad about to happen. Only through prayer, worship music, and rest am I able to slowly get out of nightmare’s grip.  My prayer is dear Lord, please keep my youngest sister safe from any harm.  Lord, please let there be angelic protection around her.  Lord, just keep my precious sister safe from any danger. Spare her from hurt.  Then I question why do I dream such awfulness? Is God trying to fore-warn me of some danger in the near future? God does speak to us sometimes through dreams.  But this was an awful dream. And I don’t know where to turn, except withdraw into my cocoon, where it is safe. Where I am sheltered. Where I don’t have to communicate with people. Where I don’t have to believe all the dark lies of the enemy.

On days where I have a rough nights sleep I feel like the building blocks I have built in my life and have broken down, and I m not sure what way to go. What the point is in this life? What is my purpose God? Why do I feel like I am trespassing some invisible threshold? A caterpillar cocooned, sheltered away from all. Who am I? What is my purpose Lord?  What do you want me to do Lord? Where are you guiding me to Lord? Life is a series of trials, and we have a choice – to either embrace them or to run away from them. What can we learn from our daily experiences? Do we let the bad experiences define who we are? Or do we let the good influences around us dominate our world? Why is it easier to let the negative experiences to dominate our existence?

Today, I feel like I am trespassing some invisible threshold. Like I am there, but not really there. Alone amongst the crowd. Invisible amongst the crowd. The definition of my life. Depressed. Anxious. Fighting conflicting worlds of Light and Darkness. Darkness and Light. Evil and Good. Good and Evil. Pain. Anxious. Depressed. Weary. Worried. Tired. Peace and Despair. Who will win?  Will I put my trust in God? Or will I succumb to the enemy of my soul? Today, I am trespassing some invisible threshold. Not sure where I belong, or what the definition of existence is. All I know is that today I have to cling onto God minute by minute to get through the day. To surrender all my struggles so that I am free. So, here I am somehow trespassing some invisible threshold. A caterpillar cocooned, hidden away into the depths of deep painful emotions of a forgotten past.

 

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