Turmoil

Sometimes I feel like fear is paralysing me. What will I do this year? I have no real plan except following what Father God wants me to do. But what does Father God want me to do? Where does he want me to go?  Today is such a day where I feel like fear and anxiety have the upper hand. Gripping me into this stifling fear of the unknown. Not knowing what will happen.

Oh I know Father is in control of my life, and that he will guide me. I just feel like I haven’t heard from in a long time, but he has spoken to me. There are times when I experience such a deep peace, that I know the only person that can give me that is Father God.

But the fear is there today gripping me, draining me from all the energy I had.  What if. What if. What if. What if. What if. Where will I go next? Where does God want me to go? I feel like I still don’t have clarity and that scares me because in a month’s time I don’t have a job. I have a plan kind off. I will travel. I will go on a retreat to figure out what God wants me to do. That seems to be the wisest thing of things to do considering I don’t know what kind of job I want to do. Where I want to work. What I am good at. The thought of the job hunting scene halts me in my tracks and blinds me from achieving what God wants me to do. It taunts me at night. And it fills me up with anxiety because all I really want is to do Father’s work. I don’t want to work in a pointless job, where I have no job satisfaction. I want to work, and make a difference. But where can I find that job?

God teaches us in Philippians 4.6Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation by prayer and petition with thanksgiving present your requests to God. 

The thing I most want is to serve God, to write books to my heart’s delight, to be a wife and to be a mum. I was a mum four years ago, but my son died nine months into the pregnancy. He just died. No real reason. And I have waited. And I can wait some more. Only if I have to wait I want to do something fulfilling with my life. I don’t want to live in isolation anymore. Nearly six months of isolation has been enough.  I am slowly reaching the limit. Isolation isn’t fun. Because every day is a challenge, and you have to find something to do to keep you preoccupied and busy so that you don’t notice the startling silence in your life. The emptiness. The loneliness that torments you.

I just want peace. I just want to know where I will go in the year of 2018, and I want Father God to guide me. I want to know what I will be doing instead of all this waiting, waiting, waiting. I am tired of waiting. I know it requires patience. Lots of patience. But I want to have answers now. I want to go into my future having a confident assurance that I will have a place to go to. I want my faith to be strong and not unwavering, and not live in a place of fear. Not to succumb to fear. I am tired, but I know that God will get me through this rough patch. It only requires a bit more patience

Please Lord, just provide me with friends in the next place I go, and peace for my adventures of 2018. Don’t let the enemy steal away my faith. Please Father hear my prayer. I need your peace, I need your comfort today. I need your guidance. Help me please. Thank you for the way you have planned for me, and for guiding me onto that path. Thank you for  all the blessings in my life, and for your provision. I trust you Father to see me through this day. This is the day that you have made and I will choose to rejoice in it. Amen. 

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