My Christmas Sadness

The emotions are laying heavy on my heart.  They always do around this time of year. I struggle with Christmas. Always have after my son died, it seems to be almost impossible to find joy in the Christmas spirit. This year I really tried to find that joy, and I am not sure if I have found it just yet. I just find myself aching for what I do not have. And no matter how hard I try and ignore that ache, it is still there and it does not really leave my side. It just stays there etched, a reminder of what is missing.

Family gatherings are tough for me. I look around the table and I see what is missing.  And it doesn’t make it easy. I try and ignore that ache inside of me, and try and focus on the positive. So please pray with me, that I may find that Christmas joy that I used to have. That the ache will not be so strong, and that I can put the past behind me.  Please pray for my heart to soften towards Christmas, rather than have those walls tightly shut.

After all Christmas is about the celebration of our Lord and Saviour. The one that came to save us.  Every day my love for Jesus grows deeper, and I just want to worship him and serve him more and more. Life doesn’t make sense without Jesus by my side. This is what I have noticed over the last couple of years.  Help me please Lord, to focus on your gift of love. Rather than on what is missing in my life.

At least I know, that after Christmas the days will become lighter again! Hallelujah. That actually brings great joy to my heart, because I hate the dark bitter cold mornings, and the dark afternoons.  Though saying that there is something holistic about the winter season. I don’t quite know how to explain myself on this one…

I am learning to relax, and to not let the past hurt me or effect me too much. The past does not need to define who I am. Rather I need to see myself in the image of Father, and get past that hurt. Even Father suffered more when his son died on that cross, than I suffered when my son died. Father does not like to see his children suffer, and he wants us to be at peace. Somehow.

I did find some joy today, although my heart aches. We were setting up the Christmas tree today. We put in the lights. All the decorations, and I was sitting in the armchair, when the Christmas tree just toppled over in my direction. Oh my. Oh my. Drama. Drama. Drama ensued. What now? How do we keep this Christmas tree up without it toppling over. We had to secure it with yarn to two radiators to ensure that it would not topple over. Then the lights stopped working. Oh my. Oh my. What now? Drama. Drama. Drama. Panic. Until of course we found a spare light and the lights started working again. I was in a heap on the floor in laughter. And as I think about it – I am still laughing. It brings a smile to my face.

From this I learnt that I have to look at the small things in life that bring us joy, rather than focus on what isn’t there anymore. I have to learn to go with the flow, and just relax. Even when that seems to be difficult. I know that Father can see me through anything that is a challenge….

So I am praying that Father will help me to see me through this Christmas, and that he will bring joy to my heart, and soften my heart towards Christmas again. I pray those things not just for me, but to those I know that are suffering, and struggling with the Christmas spirit as I am.  Life can throw us challenges, but we can’t let us go into Christmas expecting the worst. Lets try and go into Christmas with a positive frame of mind and focus on the true meaning of Christmas.

May the Lord bless you and bring joy to your heart as you spend this Christmas season with family and friends. May you be comforted if your heart is broken, and may Father bring peace to your heart if you are struggling. The Lord will not forsake you and keep you safe.

Peace and love to you all. God Bless. Hannah


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