The last few days have been hard. And I am not saying it for the sake of saying it. It has been physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually challenging. I always seem to forget how severe a migraine can become until it happens, and then I am plunged into this deep dark space of nothingness. Only where pain exists. Pure pain of a kind that I have never experienced before. Pain that should not be known.
The days prior I felt like I was sinking into a quagmire of a hot bed of coals. I was depressed. I was in a bad mood, and I was heading fast into a negative spiral. I just wanted to escape. Escape. But escape I couldn’t. I was irritated. Easily irritable. Pissed off. I know not exactly Christian. I couldn’t string sentences together. I couldn’t come up with the words. I thought of something but the words flew away as soon as I started to open my mouth. It was just a blank mess in my brain. And I thought I could beat it on my own. Just Father, prayer and me. But how wrong was I? I was restless. I couldn’t sit still, and I watched time itch slowly forward. Only it seemed to stay on each minute for eternity. I knew what was coming. I was in denial. I was avoiding it.
And then boom Wednesday morning 3am. That familiar presence. The pain. The gentle throbbing, luring me into a false sense of security. I drift off back into sleep, only to wake up with a knife stuck in my head. That is how it felt. Just above my left eye – and it was stuck, as the vessels contracted in out in out in out. And I was trapped. I was trapped in a jail, and I couldn’t get out. I tried to wrench myself free. But whatever way I turned I couldn’t escape. I took medication. Only the medication didn’t even touch it. How ridiculous is that? The medication couldn’t reach the pain. The pain was simply too deep, too far in for it to be touched. And I was screaming in agony, with tears gushing down my face, and I couldn’t face another day. Not today. Not another day. I had plans. Plans that were stolen from me, merciless. I was helpless. I merged out of my room thinking I could go about the day and prepare stuff, turned on the water to boil some water, only to meander back to my room in an oblivious state of endless pain. Ghostly pale. As white as paper. As white as the wall, I looked like I was knocking on death’s door.
There were moments where I asked God just to end it all. Just to take away the pain. This awful sensation in my head worse than childbirth. But Father couldn’t do anything either. The tears rolled down my cheeks as I watched time itch forward minute by minute as the relentless pain kept stabbing at my head. I cried. I fell asleep into a restless slumber, to wake to the sensation of pain eating away at my skull.
I ended up in a dark bathroom – with hot water all around me. The tub. Yes, I went into the tub, and turned the hot water on and sat in the steaming room, as I let the hot water submerge my face, and find that temporary release of pain eating away at my skull. Only as soon as I got out of the tub, it got worse, and I crawled back into bed, and didn’t emerge for hours. Just crying, weeping. Not knowing. Just trapped in this endless hot bed of coal.
Another restless night of pain. Each time I moved my head, I could feel the wound of where the vessels constricted and expanded. Where pain had a go. It is always in the same location. I wonder why. It is my left side. I never experienced on my right side. It blinds me. And I can’t see. I have blurred vision. And the following day is just awful. Any noise, any harsh beam of light is just too much for my head – it feels like it will explode. I can’t cope with too much stimuli. Too much noise aggravates the pain. And I just want out. I just want mercy. I beg God to relief it. To set me free. Its a relief when the vessels aren’t at war with each other anymore, but are synced together. I can function somewhat better.
And now I just have to fight past the post migraine stage, and hope that somewhere, sometime, someday someone will find a cure.
A migraine is not a headache. It is 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 times worse than a headahce. Please don’t compare the two.