Mummy had a birthday a few days ago, and it was a bitter-sweet day. I noticed the ache I had for you. The deep missing, and how I wish you were here by my side. If you had lived, you’d have almost been three years old, and we would have gone to the park or done something fun. I love you sweet baby boy and I miss you very much.
I don’t know where God wants me to be right now. But I am trusting God to pull me through this rough patch, and that I can come out of in one piece. Its a bit like walking through the Jordan river. Sometimes wet. Sometimes dry. I don’t want to liken it to a wilderness. As the wilderness is completely different, especially after you had died. I plummeted to the depths of despair, and I didn’t know how to keep moving forward.
I wonder sometimes what the purpose is of losing you? And then I wonder what is the purpose of feeling like I lost another dear friend in my life? I don’t know what God is trying to teach me. Why do some people go through more hardships and tribulations than the average person? I often question when things will get easier.
I used to dream about what it would have been like to have you here by my side. I remember when I was pregnant with you how I would daydream about what I would be doing with you, and what it would be like to be a mummy to a growing baby… And then you died, and all those hopes came crashing down.
I used to dream of the long walks we would take, and how you would take up Slovak folk dancing, or football, or whatever sport of your liking. I dreamed of picking you up from school. You would have started kindergarten this year. I would have had to drop you off on your first day to kindergarten. It would have been a proud moment in my life…. But it didn’t happen.
Everything is becoming glaringly obvious that my baby boy is no longer a baby but growing into a big boy. Except I don’t get to see you grow. Except you are gone. I wonder why I had to be pregnant with you and to experience all those beautiful moments with you only for you to die right at the end? What was the purpose in all of that? Why did my body fail me? Why couldn’t you have lived? Why couldn’t you have lived? Why couldn’t I have kept you??? I just don’t understand it anymore.
Except that maybe God wanted me to share our story with the world, which I have done. You are a very special boy Sebby. And mummy loves you very much. And misses you heaps.
I miss you my sweet baby boy, and what could have been. You are a very special little boy to me. I wish I could hug you one more time, and watch the sunset with you. But that isn’t possible anymore. The only thing I can do is write letters to you, and wonder if you ever read them. One day I will meet you in heaven, and then I can share and tell you all about my experiences on Earth, and tell you about all the challenges I had to face, and learn to overcome barrier after barrier.
I have a desire. I always had a desire. Even when I was pregnant with you, I didn’t want you to be alone. I always prayed that you would have a good father. And ultimately you received the best father anyone could wish for. And now my desire is that I would get a loving a husband. I am tired of fighting all the battles on my own. It is exhausting. I want to share my life with someone, and to be able to be encouragement to that person. I thought I had met that someone at one stage, but it wasn’t to be. It broke mummy’s heart into a million pieces. I want to be able to laugh, and I want to be able to smile like I have done.
But I know that peace comes ultimately from God our heavenly father. So I will trust Him to bring the right life-partner in my life. If it is in the Lord’s will. I just need a breakthrough in all areas of my life… I need a friend Sebby.
I miss you Sebby, I wish you were still here. But wishing doesn’t help anything. I am glad you are safe in the arms of Jesus. I have accepted that you are gone….
My darling son I love you and I miss you.
Till we meet again one day.
Lots of love always,