Am I selfish for leaving my son’s birth and death country behind? I’ve been thinking about it for a while, and wonder if it was a selfish thing of me to do – just to leave. Just to move on with life. Just to venture forward in life. Just to explore the endless new possibilities that God has set before me. Does it make me selfish for wanting to leave his birth and death country? A place where there has been so much pain, so much grief engraved in its scenery.
Everywhere reminders of me grieving my loss. Me wondering what my little boy would have done. Is it healthy for me to move on and to look forward? Or is it simply selfish to want to leave a place where there has been so much hurt?
I feel almost ashamed of myself for bolting. It feels like I bolted. But the reality is that I didn’t. I prayed long and hard about it before I made my decision.
Does leaving mean that I will forget him? Does leaving mean that I won’t remember him? Or will I still carry him in my heart? He is my son after all, so surely he will live in my heart forevermore?
I suppose Sebby would want me to move forward, and wouldn’t want me to feel obliged to stay where he died and was born… I suppose Sebby would want me to keep looking forward, to keep moving forward…..
And wherever I am, he will always be in my heart.