Shattered Confusion

Life seems to be a strange twist of turns.  Life is a hot bed of coals.  One minute life is going in a certain direction, and than suddenly something shatters your very existence.  Shattering your fragile state of emotions. Shattering everything you worked towards, only for something different to happen again?! Why different.. And then I hear the humdrum of a beating drum in my ear of everything that could have been but might not be.

I am tired of fighting – wondering what I do wrong.  Wondering if there is anything inside of me, that makes people want to run.  I just don’t know.  I just feel so very tired.  Twisting and turning in my own hot bed of coal, trying to make sense of a shifting world that no longer makes sense.  That just seems to drag me under and under. I am tired of feeling like I am second best.

Nothing makes sense. Just the humming of a beating drum in my ear.  Where will the Lord lead me now?  What is my purpose God?  What is the purpose of all that I have worked towards, to maybe it being gone as swiftly as it came.  I feel shattered.  I feel broken.  I succumb to feeling like a failure once more.  Only I am not a failure.  I have successfully published a book.  I have achieved much.  But somehow all this is not enough.  I have to rise above this.  Rise above this stumbling block, and believe that life is as good as it can get. It goes through valleys and peaks.

And so I am here left to wonder at 3.26am in the morning – what the next steps of my life will be? Am I on a peak or heading straight down for another wretched valley – when I’ve only just come out of a valley? What I’ll be doing, when all I want is to feel loved, and appreciated… Now all I can hear is the devil taunting in my shattered head that I am simply not good enough.

Truth is this: I am a woman slaved to sin, but saved by the grace of God. God loves me. God loves me.  But who else can? I hear the silence of shifting shadows following me, and it scares me. It confuses me.  It makes me feel like I am losing a battle.  And that the other has won the battle of shifting shadows.

The ticking clock is oddly comforting at 3.32 in the morning, and with that I take my shattered confusion to a hot bed of coal and try and sleep once more in a peaceful slumber which seems to have been robbed so quickly from my existence.  For many weeks I was able to sleep peacefully, feeling secure in the love of God, in a future, only for it to be sinking, rocked into shattering confusion. Where sleep becomes a fighting battle once more, as my life seems to be sitting on the tentacles of change.

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