My darling Sebby,

How time flies.  The last few days I have missed you terribly and I am not sure how to deal with the conflicting emotions inside of me.  I love you child. Oh and how I miss you so much!

I wonder what you would be doing now?  I guess you are with God. Something I should know all along.  But I wonder why, dear child did you have to die? And I lived?  Why?  What was the purpose in all of this?  Why did I get robbed of motherhood?  Why did it vanish in the blink of an eye?  One moment you were with me, and then you were gone – with the sands.

The ache is deep today, as I long for your little arms to curl around my neck.  And long to hear you giggle as we go on the swings in the park.  But somehow, somewhere this just did not happen.

Am I still classed as a mother? Even if I just write letters to my child? Dear Child, send me a sign, show me the way forward, when I just feel lost.  Broken. Hurting for what could have been but isn’t to be.

We would do so much together. Swimming. Baking. Cooking. Playing in the garden.  Playing with the garden.  I would read you bed time stories. I would tell you all about Jesus, but somehow that was all taken away from me.

Oh my darling little Sebby so much time has gone since you left, and yet so little time has evaporated.  There are times when i don’t think about you and times when thinking and the ache of wanting to hold you near my chest is deep.  It pains me that I wasn’t able to provide you with a safe home.  It pains me that I wasn’t able to mother you.  It pains me that I wasn’t able to see you or hold you.

I wonder what you’d be doing now? Running? Swimming in the paddling pool? Playing with the dogs? Getting ready to go to nursery for September?  Running around with shorts? Or just underpants?  Would you have been a free spirit?  A mummy’s boy?  A little boy that loved to climb trees?

What do you like Sebby?  What would your favourite food have been? What would your favourite drink have been?  What would you be doing with Babka and Bompa?  What would you be doing now if you had not died?

My Sebby, know that I love you tremendously, and wish you could be here today.  Wish I could cuddle you and tell you all about the world.

Missing you from afar.  Loving you always.

Mama xxxx