Hello My Dearest Little Sebby,
So, I was just reflecting – on Sunday just gone you were away from mummy for 28 months. 28 long months. Where has the time gone sweet baby boy? Where has precious time gone to? There is not a day that doesn’t go by without me thinking about you, and wondering what you’d be like or what we would be doing together. Though, I have to admit that I am coping much better than I did 4 months ago. Each month is progress. Each month is a learning curve without you. But each month is also a blessing.
Every step forward mummy gets stronger, and healthier, and is healing. Laughter is starting to fill up her days again, and just that sense of knowing that God is with her walking this dirt trek. It is truly a wonderful feeling. Knowing that God is with me all the time, and does not leave me or forsake me, even when I am in a heap on the floor crying many, many bitter tears for my lost little boy.
I have to admit I am happy. Even if you are not here with me. I am happy and I am at peace, though most days I do wonder what it would have been like to be your mummy. Would I have been a good mummy? Would I have been a good mummy to you? I wonder.. I guess so. But I don’t know. All around me there are pregnant mummies to be and I glance at their growing bellies, and remember with a fondness when I was carrying you precious son. I hope that I would have been a good mummy to you. I have always loved you, and I will always love you. You have changed me for the better. I have hope now. I am no longer walking wounded. Or maybe partially wounded still, but I am healing. And I thank God for his grace upon my life!
My dearest child, the book is ready to be released. I am hoping to release it on 29th March 2017 (your 2.5 year birthday mark). It would be very special. Wouldn’t it be? I wish you could see me now. I wish I could see you now.
Mummy has one special request for you. On Thursday mummy is sitting her driving exam. One of the goals she had made after your death. Please could you ask our Father in heaven that I pass this exam. I really don’t want to sit the tests again, and certainly not in this weather, when it is cold, gray and miserable. Also, it is kind of a financial drain on me.
Its snowing here AGAIN today. Its been snowing a lot. I like the snow, but winter has been long this year. Long and hard. And dark. I don’t like the dark much.
My dearest child, I am wondering how you are doing? What are you doing? I miss you. I love you lots, and wish I could give you a long big cuddle now, and play in the snow with you.
Sending you lots of kisses to the stars and back. Many for you and your sisters, and cousin David.
Love you son.
Loving you always,