My Dearest Little Man

My Dearest Little Man,

It is again another month gone, another month without you.  It is the month that Jesus was born.  When we all come together as one big happy family and celebrate the life of Jesus, and for non-Christians they usually celebrate a successful year behind them, and just a time to spend with family I guess.  This year will be no different to last year.  Another Christmas without you…

Mummy is feeling very sad today. Weepy.  Like she doesn’t know how to go on.  Just consumed with this deep grief.  I miss you baby boy.  I guess you’re not so little anymore.  I guess you are becoming a big boy now.  But still I feel overwhelmingly sad as the time gets closer to Christmas and you’re not here by my side like how I imagined all those months ago.

So much has happened Sebby this year.  So many things are happening.  You know how two years ago I made a goal that I would complete a book?  That I would do my driving license.  Well I was supposed to do all that in the first year.  But somehow I was over ambitious and that did not happen.  I ended up  spending the best part of the first year after your death in solitude.   Only recently I started doing the goals I made.

Sebby, your book ‘Sebby, Son of Hope’ is due to be published mid-March/early April. I should be getting my driving license in February Lord willing.  But somehow there is just so much to do, and I don’t have the energy or motivation to do anything.  I feel like I am losing the zeal in my life. Becoming increasingly negative.  And that is not good.

Forgive me Lord for being so negative.  Forgive m Sebby for having one bad week.  Its all because i have had a non-stop headache since last week Saturday.  And the headache will simply not go away.  I have tried to take medication, that doesn’t help.  I come home, and I am so tired, that I sink into bed at 7.30 with a  quagmire of disintegrating life and emotions surrounding me. Engulfing me. Zapping me of all the energy I have left inside of me. And then its a long haul out of the thick slushy marshland to feeling positive again.

I can’t blame Christmas for the cause of my low moods.  But it is the family time that I am dreading. Dreading, dreading, dreading.  Filled with fear. Why? Because you’re not there, the girls are not there, baby David isn’t there.  All these little faces are not here, and I am all alone. Wondering how people can be jolly while i think of you and wonder what you have been up to.

Sebby, please give mummy a sign.  Something to cling onto, something to remember you by.  A reminder that I am moving in the right direction, because right now I feel like I am failing. And this is not so.  This is what the enemy wants me to believe.  I know that I have achieved so much this year.  And Lord willing may it continue.

Next year I have a whole new chapter to look forward to.  New opportunities on my horizon, and I will grab them, and I will follow God’s will with all of my heart. Oh Sebby, how I want my book to be successful in Christian terms for other people who have gone through similar experiences of loss as I have. Help me Sebby to release this dream.  I am so afraid that the devil will steal it from me. But I shall not let him!

The Lord is my Shepard, he will lead me besides quiet waters.  I will be at peace.  I am sorry baby boy for writing such a negative letter today. But I just feel like I am drowning, and I am trying to rise my head above the emotions that are plaguing me and could rob me of a future that I have worked towards.  By the grace of God i have come this far, and I can keep walking this painful journey without you.

I love you Seb.  Wherever you are.  I know you are safe, and in the presence of God alongside your sisters and nephew.  I love you and I miss you so much baby boy, and I look forward to seeing you again one day.

Your Loving Mama always,

xxxxooooo

 

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