I am the eldest girl
I have an older brother
A younger brother
3 younger sisters
When we were growing up
We lived like we were walking on eggshells
Always afraid, always looking in front of and behind us
Wondering when the next hurling
Of hurtful words would be thrown
Into our faces
Wondering why he would be so mean to us
Especially to me he was mean
I was sensitive
Every hurtful word impacted me in such a way
That I felt like I was useless
Like I wasn’t worthy
Like I couldn’t do anything right ever
As my dad once said
‘You weren’t meant to be born’
My dad was a man that you simply didn’t mess with
I remember as a young child I used to pray
‘dear God please protect me
tonight, please let dad be in a good mood
please give me the strength and courage to face him’
Day after day I prayed this prayer.
Sometimes God would answer,
Sometimes God remained strangely silent.
I wondered why.
I wondered what I did wrong
What I could do better
To make my dad love me more
But no matter how hard I tried
He never loved me
He always found fault in me
Made me feel ugly
Made me feel like I was the biggest
Disappointment in the world…
And you know what…
I am not a disappointment
I have accomplished things and I have made mistakes
By trial and error
But that doesn’t make me a failure
It makes me human
I am not superwoman
Now I struggle to look at myself in the mirror
I struggle to see the beauty within me
I struggle to believe that I am capable of
Achieving big things
I am sometimes afraid to try new things
Because there is still this quiet whisper
At the back of my head
‘You’re a failure, you’ll never succeed’
I used to daydream of a dad
Who would actually love us and be the hero that
Dads are meant to be
Why couldn’t my dad love me like
Normal dads loved their children?
My dad was no hero
He was a man you didn’t mess with.
He was a man you wanted to hide from.
I wanted a hero.
Now I know that God is my hero.
God is my savior.
God is my father
And God loves me
For who I am.
God sees my potential
And for that I am thankful.
That God blesses me
And forgives me 77 x7
God provides for me
And blesses me everyday
I can say
Without a doubt