A Childhood Lost

I am the eldest girl

I have an older brother

A younger brother

3 younger sisters

 

When we were growing up

We lived like we were walking on eggshells

Always afraid, always looking in front of and behind us

Wondering when the next hurling

Of hurtful words would be thrown

Into our faces

 

Wondering why he would be so mean to us

Especially to me he was mean

I was sensitive

Every hurtful word impacted me in such a way

That I felt like I was useless

Like I wasn’t worthy

Like I couldn’t do anything right ever

As my dad once said

‘You weren’t meant to be born’

 

My dad was a man that you simply didn’t mess with

I remember as a young child I used to pray

‘dear God please protect me

tonight, please let dad be in a good mood

please give me the strength and courage to face him’

Day after day I prayed this prayer.

Sometimes God would answer,

Sometimes God remained strangely silent.

I wondered why.

 

I wondered what I did wrong

What I could do better

To make my dad love me more

But no matter how hard I tried

He never loved me

He always found fault in me

Made me feel ugly

Made me feel like I was the biggest

Disappointment in the world…

 

And you know what…

I am not a disappointment

I have accomplished things and I have made mistakes

By trial and error

But that doesn’t make me a failure

It makes me human

I am not superwoman

 

Now I struggle to look at myself in the mirror

I struggle to see the beauty within me

I struggle to believe that I am capable of

Achieving big things

I am sometimes afraid to try new things

Because there is still this quiet whisper

At the back of my head

‘You’re a failure, you’ll never succeed’

 

I used to daydream of a dad

Who would actually love us and be the hero that

Dads are meant to be

Why couldn’t my dad love me like

Normal dads loved their children?

My dad was no hero

He was a man you didn’t mess with.

He was a man you wanted to hide from.

I wanted a hero.

 

Now I know that God is my hero.

God is my savior.

God is my father

And God loves me

For who I am.

God sees my potential

And for that I am thankful.

That God blesses me

And forgives me 77 x7

God provides for me

And blesses me everyday

I can say

Without a doubt

That God

Is

My

HERO

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