I Wonder

I wonder if i can help people towards the cross with my book and if they will be impacted. I wonder if its just a dream… A far off dream..a far fetched dream that will never turn into a reality.

I wonder what it would have been like to be a mummy to my son…………. I wonder if he would have wrapped his little arms around me and if i would have been a good mum to him. I wonder what it would have been like to spend Sunday’s with him. Weekends with him… I wonder what it would have been like to love him… I wonder if he hadnt died the book would not have come into shape….. I wonder why.

I wonder what i would be doing now if Sebby had lived. I wonder if my life would have been different. I remember when I waited for his arrival in eager anticipation…

I wonder if God had heard my heart wrenching sobs? I wonder if God was in the room when they said those words “it seems like your son is not living”. I wonder if God heard my prayers than for a miracle.  I wonder if God knew how much it hurt to lose my son. I wonder if the pain will ever subside…

I wonder how i ‘survived’ 2 years and 6 weeks without my son. 8th November 2 years ago we laid him to rest. I wonder how i got through those early dark days. I wonder how i got through. I remember how dark those early days were. I was just breathing. Just existing.

But mostly i wonder why God wanted me to lose my son? I wonder why me? What did i do wrong? Where did i go wrong? I wonder why my number was called and i had to give birth to my sleeping son. I wonder why me? I wonder if i did something wrong. I wonder if i could have done something different to change the events of that dreadful day. ..

I wonder if i am still a mum? Even tthough Sebby is not here. I wonder how many more people have to go through this. I wonder when the taboo on stillbirth will end?

I wonder. I wonder. I wonder. What it would have been like to be a mum. I wonder

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