As I sit at my desk today, reflecting the past two years who would have thought that I would have come this far? Survived this far, and becoming a woman of God again. Becoming fully whole again – which is the original plan of God. When I look at the past two years I see the many blessings that have passed through my life. And the many different people that have touched my lives and helped me become the woman I am today. But mostly I see that without God’s tangible presence in my life, strength and grace I would not be where I am today. I would probably still be struggling or battling the storms of life in my own strength. Thank God for my unwavering faith though at times it felt like I was clinging onto dear life. I clung on and made it through the fiercest storms in life.
Two years ago today I started working in a job that I have one word for: it’s a crappy job. But then it has been a great blessing too. It allowed me to work in front of a computer undeterred and allowed me to grief though in a somewhat open space, it gave me the solitude i needed shortly after my son had passed away.It gave me a welcome distraction to focus on the future, it gave me a distraction to not think about death but rather to focus on something else for 8 hours during the day. It gave me the skills to do things that i never thought i needed. But God KNEW what he was doing. In all this time he was preparing me for the season that is to come. And I am truly a very blessed woman.
I had a skip to my step today as I walked towards work in the morning on the road amongst the clutter of autumn leaves. And I was happy. For once I could truly say I was at peace and I have peace and I have joy. Happy days. Hallelujah Lord!
If it wasn’t for God’s grace in my life, I would not have been able to keep my job two years ago. In the beginning when I first started I was a broken woman. Completely broken. Remember I started work 5 short weeks after my world shattered into a million pieces with the death of my son. And yet God kept me afloat. He allowed me to grief, he let the Holy Spirit do its job and made sure that I was able to keep my job, though there were many days in the beginning where i was absent or absent-minded. Not really there. Not really focused. Just clinging onto life. Just surviving. Just breathing. Just letting the tears flow. Just taking it minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. I remember missing quite a few days of work but no-one seemed to notice. At one point I came into work but an hour later i left – i was drowsy. Sick. Grieving. I had received anti-depressants from my doctor (which i only stayed on for a month). These pills were making me ill. I couldn’t concentrate. I was dizzy, i took the bus home in a daze and slept 36 hours, and no-one in work questioned that. Must have been God working some blessings into my life. I clung onto my job by a hairline. Two years later i still have the same job. Moved up to a higher level and am a trust worthy worker.
The healing process was a long one. I am still healing. But I can already see how far I have come. How long it has taken to get to this point in my life. Knowing that if it weren’t for God’s patient love, grace and strength in my life I would be in some ditch somewhere. Even 7 months ago i was depressed. Suicidal. Ready to give up the good fight. Not knowing what my purpose was in life. But then by chance everything changed, i started becoming positive again, and God’s tangible presence in my life became visible. I started seeing him shift the mountains in my life and they started aligning and i finally started seeing what my purpose in life was more.
During my withdrawal period from the world though i was working. I had no friends, I rarely went out. I mainly remained in silence. In a solitude. In my woman’s cave God worked his grace and love in my life. I cried out to him and he was my comforter. I read a lot. And i spent a lot of time in prayer. Clinging on. Crying. Weeping for my brokenness. Trying to make sense of my shattering world. God constantly reminded me:
‘The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them’. Psalm 145:18-19
‘The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.’ Psalm 34:18
In all this time God never abandoned me. He was here with me. Weeping with me. Wiping away my tears. Collecting my tears. As I look over the last two years I can see that I have walked a long difficult journey and by His grace I have come this far. And I still have a long way to go. But I know I am not alone in this anymore. I know that God’s presence in my life is very thick as I feel the Holy Spirit working through me. I am the daughter of a king. I am God’s daughter. And for that I will always be truly grateful.
I pray that those who are broken in spirit will draw near to God, during your trials and tribulations. Unburden yourself at the cross and you will find rest. Find rest in Him. Find your peace in Him. Peace doesn’t come from others but from God alone. May the God of comfort be with you all. Amen. Hallelujah.