I often find weekends difficult. Challenging. Testing. Tough. Tricky and often disappointing. Each time I set myself up for disappointment and what can I do? Nothing. All my life I have been a loner, and I guess it is one of things. I will always be a loner no matter where I go: which city I live in, which country I live in. I am a loner.
I was thinking today if my son had lived I would still have been a loner, but maybe I wouldn’t have been so lonely. Maybe it is because I come from a dysfunctional background. People don’t want to get to know me. It is as if they are almost afraid to get too close. But what harm can I do them? I am also a person with feelings, needs, wants, desires, just like everyone else. Yea sure I express my emotions in a slightly different way to them but that doesn’t mean that I am a bad person. Surely not.
I am tired of always trying to contact others first to see how they are doing. No-one ever does except maybe for that one person who contacts me daily without fail to see how I am doing. To make sure I am doing OK. And I thank God for that person every day. At least I know that at least one person here cares for me. That I am not alone. But for biggest part of my life I am alone. When you reach the other side of the train tracks I realize how tired I am of feeling like no one seems to care how I am doing. I am tired of being a loner. A social recluse. I am sick of the hypocrisy in churches and sick of pretending that everything is OK when it isn’t. I am tired.
Maybe there is something wrong with me? Maybe I did something wrong? Who knows? But I feel like I am forgotten amongst autumn leaves. I feel like I am not needed. That I am not important. That I am at the bottom of the priority list. That I am just a nobody when really I am a somebody for Christ. For God. I want to live for God. Not for myself and not for anyone else. I want a friend. I have one friend but they can’t be here right now. So here I am alone battling my own feelings of anxiety, fear, pain, hurt, etc. And sometimes I don’t know how to continue this lonely trek that is called life.
If someone would ask me how to describe my life in a few words this is what I would describe it as: forgotten amongst autumn leaves. I find that I can easily camouflage with the leaves and be forgotten. Just existing. Just there and not there. Invisible and visible. Lost and found. There and not there. Breathing and not breathing. Needed and not needed. Wanted and not wanted.
Perhaps in the writer’s job description it says: ‘must be a loner and an observer’. I observe people a lot, but people don’t know how to talk to me. How to communicate with me. For them I am just there. I sometimes have the feeling that people don’t want to talk to me. That people just tend to ignore me. That people don’t actively seek to hang out with me, and at times I find it frustrating, and when they do ask, on my bad days I don’t and can’t be bothered to hang out with them. They had their chance many times before when I asked them, and suddenly because no one wants to hang out with them they want to make time for me? It doesn’t work that way. It is a two-way street.
So as I walk amongst autumn leaves I find my thoughts floating away into an empty void. Wondering where every thought and picture goes to. Wondering if they feel like I do: forgotten amongst the cracks. Captivating thoughts, that don’t always get put on paper simply because the images that float through my head go too quickly and my writing hands cannot keep up with the speed of images I see through my head that could be put on paper. Like me they are forgotten amongst a timeless time. Amongst the vibrant colours of autumn leaves. Wondering if they too will ever be remembered. If I will ever be remembered? My world is a lonely place to be.