Dry words. Lately I haven’t really known what to write, what to say. It is as if my words have run dry. Like I have reached a stumbling block, a road block in my life. Neither moving forward or moving backwards. Just standing frozen still into place. Lost. Forgotten. Standing on top of a platform, if I take a step forward I will stumble down the stairs. If I take a step backwards I will stumble down the stairs.
Feeling like I am not able to help anyone. That all this writing, all these blog posts have no effects on anyone. Just an empty void of words. Drowning in a seabed full of anxieties. Haunted by a past of endless hurt. Trapped in an endless time of memories gone sour. How I wish I could have an effect on people with my words, but I feel like I haven’t helped anyone. Though writing is therapeutic for me – I am not sure how therapeutic it is for others to read my thoughts. My brokenness and at times my hopelessness.
I feel like I am on the edge of a cliff ready to fall into the welcoming hands of darkness: depression. I am a hopeless case. I feel lost. Forgotten. Like I am a nobody. Like my feelings don’t matter. Like I am just existing. Breathing. Clinging on. Trying to make sense of the world around me. Wondering what is my purpose in this life? Help me to understand where I went wrong.
I feel completely and utterly lost. Questioning the very existence of my life. Wondering why my son had to die. Why am I writing all these thoughts down? What did I do wrong?
So here I am today wondering after two years what my purpose is in life. What I can do to make things better? How can I impact other people’s lives if I have no words within me anymore. If my well of words has gone dry how can I help others if I cannot help myself…
I am a broken woman and I have failed miserably. I have made so many mistakes. And I am standing on top of the platform trapped. Neither moving forward or going backwards. Stopped by a wall of endless insecurities. A wall of endless failures. A wall of endless grief. Questioning my very existence. This is where I am at. Forgive me for not being able to help you more. That is my greatest desire being able to have an impact on other people’s lives. But that hasn’t happened. Instead I am staring into the realm of the empty void of words that seem to just land with a soft thud on my desk unable to give others hope in a world where everything seems so hopeless. The only hope I can offer to you all is to turn yourself to the cross of Jesus Christ and you will find your peace from him, and the meaning of life there.