I moved this weekend to a new place. The landlady has a dog. A dog can be your best friend. This dog seems to sense my mood. I feel lost and broken. A nobody. Battling depression. Battling waves of depression. Some days i seem to be doing OK and then i seem to sink real low. Right into the depths of the murky sea bed. Hoping that it will swallow me whole. Not wanting to exist as I battle the strong winds and waves as I try and reach dry land. The long line of uncertainties seen far into the looming distance, wrapping itself tightly around my body. Reminding me that I do not have control over anything in life but that God does. Trust is needed to get through this fragile time.
Uncertainties crash against my body as I long to know what will happen in the not too distant future. Since Sebastian’s death I like to have a certain element of control in my life. I do not like the seabed of uncertainties that swirl around my seemingly fragile body. Rather I would like to know what will happen, to feel secure. Except will it make me feel secure about my future? I guess the answer is no. There will always be the fear of will it happen.
I have always found moving an unsettling time, a time where I have to face a wardrobe of hidden secrets. A wardrobe full of things that need to be sorted out. Along with it comes chaos rather than the neatly aligned compartments of emotions that line up against the wall. And then I think did I make the right decision? Was it the right decision to move?
The walls, the door, and the floor do not help my mood. There are stains on the wall where insects have been squashed, or where something has been taped on. Wall paint chipped off. Same with the door. Seems like the paint is peeling off. It looks like a rather beaten wall and door. A wall gone through many different tenants. Tenants who abused its life. I dread to think what has occurred in that room. A room full of history. A person full of history trying to live. Trying to breathe. Trying to relax. Trying to be still. Trying to be at peace. Trying not to feel like the world is just doom and gloom.
My mind wonders back to the future and I wonder if my dream will really come through. The releasing of my book. Promoting my book alongside a Christian band. Will all these things happen? Endless permutations of possibilities. Possibilities that line itself neatly up against my wall of doubt. My wall of endless hurt. My wall of insecurities. My wall of distrust of people. My wall of sadness. My wall of grief. My wall of failure. My wall of mistakes. Have I ever succeed in anything? I have always felt like I am a failure. That somehow everything that happens is my fault. That I can’t seem to be a very successful person. The voices of doubt overpower me at times as my insecurities lap over my feet. Reminding me of a forgotten past. A past of failure. A past full of mistakes.
I wish I could be more secure within myself. Sometimes I have this extreme hatred for myself especially when I upset someone who i love dearly. I feel then the wall of hate crumble around me and i wonder how much more reassurance needs to be given to me? Why do i need so much reassurance? Why can I not be like a normal person? Why do I struggle so much with life? While others seem to be sailing through life, as if life is an easy joy ride. It isn’t. Life’s hard. Life’s full of trials, and I am learning constantly. Learning to believe that God is my anchor. That God will see me through my walls of deep hurt.
The roots of a forgotten past are dug deep into the soil of the earth. Memories of a forgotten past that I try to forget. That I try to lave behind. I try not to let the past rule my present thinking. But somehow it camouflages into my daily life. It hides behind the tall trees of insecurities, faults, failure and the list goes on. A wall of deep regret. I don’t want to let my past make me live life the way i live it now. I need to change my perspective. But it isn’t easy when the roots are dug deep into the ground. How do I move forward?
Forgive me Lord for all my mistakes. Forgive me Lord for my fear of the unknown. Forgive me Lord for my failures, for my insecurities. Forgive me Lord for being a nut-case. For being vulnerable. For allowing myself to fall prey to the devil’s voice. Forgive me Lord for my sins. I am a woman slaved to sin, but I want to live a more holy life. I am just so, so afraid. Help me Lord to seek your presence. Help me to be at peace within you. Help me to see your will clearly for my life. Oh God please allow your love to seep through my brokenness. Help me to be joyful in spirit.