Break-Down

A Time for Everything

Ecclesiastes 3:1-11 There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh. A time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. What do workers gain from their toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time.


You may be wondering why I started with the above bible verses. I feel like I am at my wits’ end. I feel restless. I feel useless. The days all feel meaningless – like they all roll into one and the same. Doing nothing in particular and yet doing something that creates meaning for those around me. I wept today and I laughed. While weeping, Bonnie the dog that I am looking after and my partner came over to comfort me. I am so tired of this lockdown. I’ve become weary at heart. Yet I know God’s presence is with me. His intricate presence is with me and I am not alone. I am sure many people are feeling the same as me. Weary, purposeless, full of anxious thoughts. Wondering when this time will pass. Though, I know this is not my portion. I need to create meaning out of my days. Set up a routine, because without routine I am lost. I sink into the days with no purpose. Wondering around aimlessly as I desperately figure out what I am supposed to be doing.

I feel lost today. I feel tired. Yet I have so much to be thankful for. I have the opportunity to look after a beautiful dog, I get to spend time with my lovely, caring partner on a daily basis. I am not alone. I get to rest, I get to bless those around me. I have a roof over my head, we have food, we can go walking with Bonnie and we can worship the Lord in our homes. Yet I feel like I am missing out on life. I feel like I am missing out on my purpose. I no longer know what I am supposed to be doing. I keep hoping that this lockdown will come to an end soon, and that we can all get on with our lives as before. But what is before will no longer be. A new norm will set in. One that we have to accept. In the beginning I resisted the masks. The changes. They were all out of my comfort zones. Now it seems easier to hide, to isolate yourself from others. But it becomes hard.

What is God trying to teach me through this storm? What is He trying to show me? Now more than ever is the time to write, to seek God’s guidance for the future, and to trust Him in all things. Now is the time not to be idle but to listen to what He wants us to do. To prepare for the unknown. Now is the time to draw close to Him and to worship Him. Now is the time to pray to God. To praise Him and to be thankful.

I am learning to not allow my circumstances to consume me. I am learning to not allow the corona pandemic to get me down. I am learning to let go and let God do what He needs to do. What I am not able to do. I am tired and I need prayer. Prayer and strength to keep going through this lockdown. To stop my weary heart from being weary. I need to learn to rejoice again in the Lord for He is my strength and my joy. Amen.

I know this post may come across as selfish. I am just tired and weary. Despondent.

One thought on “Break-Down

  1. If it’s any help to you, and it probably isn’t, but hey. . , I’ve been feeling kinda useless and purposeless, oooh, for something like sixteen years on and off. Since the children left home and started living independently.
    One of the less that joyful ‘joys’ of being a full-time homemaker and Mum is that, done properly, they eventually grow up to be independent adults and move on. When you’ve spent the past twenty years looking after them, as well as everything else, everything else suddenly seems inadequate!
    Husband came to this when he retired, after 41+ years of paid employment. This happened last March. The following week – Lockdown 1 began. He’s coming to terms with not being valued for what he does – by society at large, and by the Government for the taxes he pays! This Lockdown I think he’s better adjusted. Plus all the paperwork he’d put aside ‘until I have time to look at it properly’ has been sorted! That gave him some Purpose the first time around.
    It’s tough. Specially when Society values you for what you do, how young you look, how much money you make or spend, rather than who you actually are.
    It’s tough.
    So we’re praying for you, as ever. And learning, gradually, and again, that God loves us because He loves us. And that we can choose to praise and worship Him, whether we feel like it or not. Learning that when we choose to do so, we end up feeling better too.

    Like

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