I used to love writing. Writing was my first love. Now, I am not sure if I enjoy writing. It seems easy to come to the drawing board and write what is on my heart, it helps process the hurt and make sense of the mess that I am in. Didn’t the Lord say – come to me all you who are weary and I shall give you rest? I need to rest from everything. I no longer know what to do. Sometimes I wish I hadn’t opened up as much as I did – and stayed shut – like a closed book. It would have been easier. But would it have been easier?
I am battling a lot of flashbacks from the past and everything else under the sun. Maybe everything that was supposed to be good – doesn’t last long. Everything good seems to be taken away – like my son. I don’t see a way forward ahead of me. Maybe it is time to give up on this island and leave. That is the easy way out. But I know I will not do that. Somewhere inside of me Christ lives, and He will lead me on and give me the strength I need to continue to keep fighting through every tear.
For now – I will surrender each and every struggle at the foot of the cross. And trust that I am in the Lord’s palm and that he is in control of my situation. This is just a rough patch. A rough year. I’ll be glad to see the end of it.
It’s safer to hide, to withdraw into myself. I often wonder why I opened up so much. Why oh why did I decide to open up my heart and soul? What was the point? Is there any point to the tangled mess of thoughts? Am I really worthy to be loved? I feel like I am just breathing. Existing. Insignificant. Not making a difference in anyone’s life. I feel like I’ve become invisible. Hiding the pain away, and yet the tears are constantly on the surface. Do people even notice it? And I break down and cry. Jesus wept. I weep.
Hannah, you are loved, you are valuable and valued – go put on a pair of purple and green socks – and before you do, hold one in each hand, arms outstretched and remind yourself that God loves you THAT much – John 3:16 and 17.
In your sharing, both online and in various places, you have already been a real encouragement and help to real people who have read/heard you.
And, as your Psych studies will have informed you, had you not shared, not written it out, but instead just bottled it up, hammered it down and denied all the confusion, questioning and pain – you’d have had SERIOUS mental ill-health problems and quite possibly physical health problems by now too.
We do notice, and God notices more. Weep when you need to, but remember Psalm 30
“1 I will exalt you, Lord, for you lifted me out of the depths and did not let my enemies gloat over me. 2 Lord my God, I called to you for help, and you healed me. 3 You, Lord, brought me up from the realm of the dead; you spared me from going down to the pit. 4 Sing the praises of the Lord, you his faithful people; praise his holy name. 5 For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favour lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. 6 When I felt secure, I said, “I will never be shaken.” 7 Lord, when you favoured me, you made my royal mountain c stand firm; but when you hid your face, I was dismayed. 8 To you, Lord, I called; to the Lord I cried for mercy: 9 “What is gained if I am silenced, if I go down to the pit? Will the dust praise you? Will it proclaim your faithfulness? 10 Hear, Lord, and be merciful to me; Lord, be my help.” 11 You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, 12 that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. Lord my God, I will praise you forever.”
It’s not Denial, that’s plain stupid. It’s acknowledging that frankly life is Really Rubbish at times, and that Almighty God is still amazing, in charge, loves us (you too) and is working His purposes out worldwide (yup, even Trump as President and Johnson as PM) taking a long-term view and making us to be the Very Best we can be and more like Christ.
Which is probably no help at all when you’re feeling so low and sad, but it’s true all the same.
“May God Himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The One Who calls you is faithful, and He will do it.” 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24.
I find this a great encouragement in the times when I’ve gotten it Wrong and/ or put my foot in it (up to the neck) yet again!
With much love and our continuing prayers,
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28
Dear Hannah, the night may be long for you, but don’t despair, joy comes in the morning. Just keep holding onto Him until then. You are blessed! ❤️