Death sometimes seems a better alternative to the deep ravine I seem to be in. I had counselling today. It hurt. I cried. I cried for my dead son. I cried for all that was lost and I did not have as a child.
Today I want to give up. I am very tired of feeling insecure, very tired of the negative emotions engulfing me, very tired that I have to fight these emotions on my own with God. Today I am tired. Today I don’t want to live. I feel like fading out.
A bruised reed he will not break,
and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.
In faithfulness he will bring forth justice
Been there – wanting to not have to Be any more. Thought that. Asked ‘Why Not?’
Answer – ‘Because God’
Which was incredibly annoying at the time, and seemed like no proper reason or answer.
Eventually recovered. Now realise the only answer is ‘Because God’ – whatever the question. And yes, it’s still annoying at times, but far better than the Atheist alternative: ‘Everything happens for a Random – there is no rhyme or reason for anything.’
Besides which, that is clearly bunk! As well as being unScientific and against all human experience!
Hang in there Hannah, things will get better again. And better still. Eventually.