Dear Father in Heaven – I have been ill all week. I haven’t done much. I’ve hardly eaten. I’ve not had any energy and therefore not been able to do much. I feel quite disheartened and deflated. I felt hurt yesterday. I saw two people yesterday briefly. But mainly it feels like I have been in this self – made prison for like forever. It feels very much like a punishment somehow. I’ve cried a lot these past few days. More than I would normally. And again like five years ago when Sebastian died there is no-one here to hold me in their arms and allow me to cry and let go.. I am alone. Very alone.
I have felt rejected all week. Kind of like being banished from seeing people because I have the flu. A bit like when I was in that hospital room when I was told my son died. Banished into this one room day in day out. What did I do wrong Father God? I feel like its me against the world. Like I have to shield myself from further hurt. From further disappointment. Maybe I should not have opened up and kept silent. Silence is easier sometimes. My walls are going up again. Closing around me where it is safe. Where hurt and disappointment can’t reach me. Where rejection can’t touch me.
Tomorrow is Sebastian’s birthday. He would be 5 tomorrow. Can you believe?! It sometimes still feels like yesterday when I lost him. Other times it feels longer. I miss him very much..
Help me Father God to feel at peace. I need you more than ever. I am so very broken today and I don’t know who to turn to. I am alone.