It is 1.05pm, five years
Since your birth.. and death
But it seems as if it only
Happened hours ago

It hurts this year,
This feeling of anger ensares me
I question why did you die?
For the first time since your
First birthday I collapse in a heap
Cry helpless tears of deep heartache

I find myself thinking
Of all that you’ve missed out on
What I’ve missed out on
God then gently reminds me
You are where you are
Where you need to be
But your death silently hounds me
It brings me to despair
I cry, I weep, I break
You’d be going to school now
You’re growing up
No longer the baby I lost

I learn about God’s grace
His desire to love us, to hold us near
I call out to him
He walks besides me
I relearn how to pray
My faith frail, faltering this past year
God carries me through
I’m not alone in my self-inflicted prison
My wings open gently
Relearning to socialise tentatively
I step out, learning to be free

Your death dear child may have
Been a tragedy but the Lord
Birthed something beautiful:
I value time spent with people
Serving people, helping people
Belonging becomes part of me

From the moment
Of your miraculous existence
Inside me
I loved you instantly
I loved you intensely
I loved you
I love you
And I can only dream
Of days gone by
Of a time when you
Were with me
A part of me
Still a part of me
Wondering what it
Would have been like
To hold you in my arms
Hearing your laughter
Wondering what it
Would have been like
To take you to primary school,
Watching you grow
Feeling your small arms
Around my neck
Hearing your innocent laughter
I long to wake you
Each day with a kiss or three
To see you grow into a handsome chap

I know without a doubt
This was God’s good
Perfect and pleasing plan
I have peace
I have accepted your death
As part of God’s bigger picture

Happy Birthday sweet child

I will not forget you, little boy
Nor do I wish to try
I will love you and keep you
Close to my heart
Until my dying breath
Forever yours
Mama