Depression is when a flame faintly dies. It whispers the end. I struggle to breathe. To live. To make it out of bed. On a bad day I weep.  I weep till I can’t cry any more. No one knows the sadness I carry within me. No one understands that getting up is a challenge.  That living is a challenge.

I just want the pain to stop.  Can you make the pain stop? Why does it hurt? Why do I feel so deeply troubled and sad? I am tired of fighting.  Tired of struggling with a low mood all the time.  It crashes. I hit rock bottom.  I pick myself up. I  crash again.  I feel very alone.  Very vulnerable. In my flat no one sees the chaos, the turmoil of my life.

Most think I have it together. You’re tough. You’ll get through this. But will I? My heart sinks. I dread work. I dread going on. I see nothing but darkness.  Darkness and pain.  I don’t know when it will stop? When it will quieten down?

What is the point in living when all you do is breathe? When everyone thinks you’re okay. But that’s just superficial, on the surface.

The flame fades. Life fades. The tears stream down my face most days. No one sees. I feel like I am being ripped apart from the inside out. Panic rises to the surface like an unwelcome volcano.  How do you get out?

How do you get up in the morning and go through the motions hoping desperately for life to come knocking on your door again. Only it doesn’t.  It stays away and I am left desperately struggling to hold on to this thing called life.

Do I want to live? No – not really.

I just want to fade away like the flame. I want the ground to swallow me. I want the pain to stop.  Can you make the pain stop friends? Can you make the pain stop Dad? Or am I left struggling? It’s like I am drowning. But no one sees.