Have you ever wondered what life would be like if you were completely at peace with yourself? And were able to sleep a full night of uninterrupted peaceful sleep? Did you know it must have been about 10 years since I slept in till 9 or 10 in the morning. I can’t remember the last time I slept beyond 8 am. If I do, it is a rare occurrence. It has to be for a reason like going to bed really late and then sleeping for a minimum period. How I wish I could have a night where I can sleep without being worried or on constant alert that something is going to happen. How I wish I could go to sleep knowing I won’t be fighting nightmares in my sleep.
Ever since my son died – heading towards five years now I have not been able to sleep soundly. But then when I look beyond those five years – past my son dying, I seem to remember that my sleep has always been plagued by restlessness. I wonder why? I suppose my problem with sleeping could be a physical issue. Like something to do with my iron levels, because I am tired more than usual. Even if I get 6 or 7 hours of sleep. I do wonder though what it would be like to sleep till 9 in the morning. What would it be like to wake up at 10am?
Because of the exhaustion I feel close to tears. I feel close to crying all the time. Yesterday, I didn’t tell anyone this, but I had this sudden urge of running. Running away as far as I could. Leaving everything behind. To build my walls again. High and higher. Those walls seem to be falling apart around me. I am opening my heart. Is it safe to open my heart and share some of my painful wounds with strangers who have become my family over recent years? Or is it better to keep everything to myself? In my head I would think it would be easier to keep myself to myself. Withdraw from society is the answer. But God says no. I have something in my life, something I have yearned for many years – to belong to a family, the missing puzzle piece perhaps but I want to withdraw from it. Withdraw from it because I might get hurt.
A Father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in His holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, He leads forth the prisoners with singing.
This scripture keeps coming to my mind when I want to run. When I want to run away and crawl in a dark hole. And yet when I visit my adopted family I feel refreshed, it is like God speaks to my heart through them and tells me you do belong Hannah. You are safe, and you are loved. I am loved by my heavenly Father in heaven. But my past haunts me.
My past haunts me. It keeps me awake at night – as the memories swim before my eyes. And I wonder when it will cease to haunt me. I wonder when it will stop and go on to it’s next victim. I wonder how long Lord. Lord I yearn for you – but I don’t know how to pray to you anymore! It is like you are a distant God. But yet you are not, because I feel you. Even I want to run from you God – because is it safe? Will you take it away again from me? My nights are haunted, plagued by nightmares. And I wonder what it would have been like to be loved unconditionally as I was growing up. I wonder what it would have been like to receive warm loving hugs when I was growing up? I wonder what it would have been like to come home and feel safe. I wonder what it would have been like. I wonder what it would have been like to mother my son and to be able to love him.
I feel so totally and completely confused lately. I never understood why people would draw me into their fold and believe in my potential when others could not see my it and criticised me on a constant basis. Why are there people who have taken me in their heart and love me for who I am, and others who could not? What is it I am afraid of? It dawned on me – early this morning that I have built a larger wall around my heart than I realised….. That building a trusting relationship is hard and I wonder what if I will get hurt again? It is these thoughts that wrestle with me every night, every day as I come to terms with a dysfunctional past… and I wonder yet again am I really worth the effort?
I live in an invisible bubble – it is my protective cover. I can draw it close, and let it open and allow a few in. Only to those that have slowly gained my trust. Or it will slowly pop around me and I will be trapped no more. But would it not be easier to just give up on me now? Would it not be easier to abandon me? To forget me? To not love me? Would it not be easier to go into hiding? Who am I? Where do I belong? Am I really worth it?