I woke up feeling quite vulnerable this morning with dreams washing over me. I’ve had a challenging time since June last year and it fluctuates. Some days are easier to cope with than others. Some are painfully hard, painfully obvious that a lot of issues from a broken past are surfacing. This is due to the counselling course I am doing and the counselling I am receiving, as a requirement of my ultimate goal: grief counselor.
When I look back over these months, I don’t see how far I’ve come. I just see how much more I have to work through before I am more or less in control of the rubble in my life. The brokenness and the pain. On a daily basis I wrestle with anxiety and depression.
Its only in the last week I have been able to relax and I mean really relax more than I have done in five months. And yet I am still tense, and feel like I am walking on water most days. I’ve noticed that since the summer coping with stress has gotten worse. It panics me and I work myself up into this state of anxiety that plagues me. It panics me and I whenever I do anything I am consumed by fear and anxiety to the point I cannot relax. And because of this I fear people don’t think highly of me. So I feel very alone and anxious most the time. I want to get rid of this anxiety and be able to live a more peaceful life.
As I write this the tears are streaming down my face again. Two days ago I had a difficult counselling session where I had to confront some of the demons of my past which brings up a whole host of insecurities. But then John my counsellor says that I have to look at how far I have come considering everything that has happened to me and be proud of the small victories in my life. He says most people would have given up by now. But then why do I feel like I haven’t achieved anything in the last five months, and on high alert all the time? Why is it I am constantly fighting these battles on my own? Even though I ask God to help me and lead me onwards?
It seems I am such a failure most days, and that I am under-performing even though I am trying my very best to do a good job in every situation. But I just can’t anymore. I would just like a break for a couple of days where I don’t have to do anything and talk to anyone… I have to think about all the positives and remind myself about how far I have come, not about how far I still need to go. A day at a time. Step by step.