I start working tomorrow after nine months of not working. I wasn’t idle either. But I wasn’t really working in an office environment. It was more working for the glory of God’s kingdom in the first part of my time-off from work… And then learning how to rest in the Lord’s presence in the last five months.
Sometimes in life you face a season where you can’t do anything. I wanted to work. But I couldn’t. At the start of the summer (probably round about mid-June) I experienced a bit of burnout. A total collapse of not being able to cope with anything except rest, rest, rest, rest. At the start of this period doing absolutely nothing was challenging. It was about trusting the Lord.
I remember when I quit my job in Dublin on the first day I had tremendous peace about it and knew that the Lord would provide for me right up until he knew when I would be ready to start working again. I do question though whether I am ready? I feel anxious about it, but I know I have to trust the Lord. When I walked home that day after I quit my job in Dublin – I picked up quite a few pennies on the way home. This for me was a sign from God. In my heart I knew that God would provide for me. Was it easy to trust him? No. It was really challenging. Probably one of the hardest things I have had to experience. Testing my endurance. Testing my perseverance. Will Hannah trust the Lord? Will Hannah seek the Lord’s presence? What has Hannah learned? Well I learned, that in life you can’t make plans. Because the plans that we make never come to fruition. But the plans that he Lord has always come to fruition. To trust the Lord in all things.
In some ways I found out the hard way. Because for months I planned and truly believed that the Lord wanted me to be in Dublin. Maybe it was just for a while. But it was definitely not for long-term. Even after nine months off I still find resting in the Lord’s presence challenging. I feel like I need to do stuff to prove my worth. But God simply says come my daughter, just rest in my presence. I love you all the same. So, often I think I am unworthy of this love. Of God’s love. Yet he says I love you Hannah, regardless. Whether you do stuff for the glory of my kingdom, or when you are resting. Just be my daughter, don’t do anything, just sit and talk with me because I love you Hannah. And yet I do not feel worthy of this love. But God taught me that sometimes you don’t have to do anything. He loves having us in his presence. When we can put all our trust in him and delight in him in a child-like manner.
I have learned not to really worry about the next day. But naturally worry comes and goes. I am worried now about starting work tomorrow. But the Lord is in control no? Or is he not? I know he is in control, even though I am scared. I am scared of meeting new people. I am scared of not being liked. Of making a fool out of myself. I am anxious about whether I will be able to manage everything. Will I be able to manage everything I wonder? I hope so. Yet I know that I do not need to worry because God is in control. Will there be time to study? Hope so. God is in control.
If you could keep me in your prayers tomorrow as I start this new chapter in my life – back into employment, I ask that you pray for grace for me. Pray that the Lord can guide me and that I will cling onto him even when I am scared. Even when I am weary. Pray that I will know when to rest and when to keep going. I would appreciate that. Thank you.