Invisible Wall!

It has taken a tremendous effort on my part to stay still over the last couple of months and not to run from where I have been living.  It would be so much easier to give up. It is what I usually do.  Give up just before the going gets tough. But God has been speaking to me.  Be still Hannah, and know that I am God.  Don’t run.  Yet every fibre in my being says run.   Run Hannah, run.  Run Hannah, run.  Yet I am still here.  About to start a new job by the grace of God.  Blessed beyond belief with some wonderful family and friends.

Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46.10

In some ways I have settled quicker here than I did when I lived in Berlin a year ago.  It took me so long to make friends.  I was battling depression, I was severely anaemic, I was in a trying job and I didn’t really have a church to go to. But I did have a home to go to. A place where I could go to after work and feel at home among my German family.  Here I have made some friends. I am studying to become a counsellor.  I am going to self-defence class believe it or not. Even I find it hard to believe that I am standing in a classroom full of other people learning how to do Kung Fu (self-defence).  It helps to grow confidence.  I am also learning how to crochet.  And I have made some friends and have gained a new family!  In general all the boxes in my life are being ticked one by one. Who would have thought that when I decided to quit my job in Dublin at the start of the summer that things would change so drastically?  I noticed that by being obedient to the Lord – in turn he gave me some pretty amazing blessings.  Hallelujah.

And yet I still feel myself sinking in and out of depression. I feel like there is this invisible wall which is slowly growing around me.  This overwhelming sense of fear – I don’t want to get hurt. I am afraid of getting hurt. The echoes of a forgotten past – where for a long time I have felt inadequate, a failure at the best of times. Unable to accomplish anything of worth. This sense of belonging coming and going yet the fear of losing it.  What if it’s all too good to be true? What then? In what and who is my identity based?  Who am I? All I want to do is run, to build that wall  and not let anyone come in. Because if I do – I risk everything. I risk being vulnerable. But I stay put. I am drawn into the pool of love, grace and empathy. Everything inside of me wants to run, but the pool of love, grace and empathy draws me into its circle.  Gravity keeps me within its wall and I don’t understand it. Except that it overwhelms me at the best of times. Painful in many ways. A bitter-sweetness in the air filled with regrets. Filled with a conundrum of questions: what if, why, how, when? A broken woman, broken puzzle pieces slowly being put back together to wholeness.

I often wonder why people even care? Why people love me?  What I did to deserve it all?  In many ways it would be easier to hide behind my invisible wall and not let people get too close.. But it’s different now somehow.  The past echoing of memories: I grew up knowing I had to please certain people, that I had to impress certain people otherwise I was classed as a failure. Inadequate.  Unaccomplished.  Unable to achieve anything…  And I live with it echoing around. Never comprehending. Always wondering what do I have to do to make people like me? Do I need to accomplish something to be accepted? Do I need to achieve something to be accepted? Do I need to do things to be accepted? Or am I accepted unconditionally? Am I loved unconditionally? What does Hannah have to do to demonstrate her worth?



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