Diary: Day 75 – 78 – A Walk on Water

John 14.27 – Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. 

It is that time of year again where I go through a grieving process. A process where I reflect, become sad, despondent, tired, grumpy, where my emotions are surfing on the waves as I remember the weeks before my son’s birth and the weeks after my son’s birth.  Dark powerful emotions consume me and take its toll on my body.

I’ve lost 12 kilos since the summer. My trousers are getting looser. I have to wear a belt.  The belt is on its last button and my clothes still feel very loose. This is what happens when you hit the bottom of the pit, and slowly make your way back up. I am not really hungry either. But I do eat and it’s healthy food.

I haven’t got a job yet. Though I am applying. I am studying. I am praying. I am doing all the right things. I go for long walks along the waterfront listening to the crashing waves.  Water gives me peace. It settles the turmoil inside of me. I look at the waves crashing against the sea wall and I feel oddly similar to the sea wall as my emotions crash against me one by one. Remembering what I have lost and what I have gained.

On the 15th of September 2014 I was considering giving my son up for adoption so that he could have both a mom and a dad. But by the end of that weekend I came to the conclusion that I couldn’t ever give him up for adoption because I love him too much and didn’t want to lose him even though it might have been a blessing for him. To have a dad role model. Who knows? I came to the conclusion that he would have enough male role models in the family. Plus I loved him more than I could describe. I wanted the best for him. I loved him so much.  I felt deeply protective of him and wanted him to have the best possible upbringing. I remember praying for him to have the best daddy in the world.  I guess God answered that prayer. Even if I didn’t like the way he answered it!

It is almost mid September now and I still have no certainty here on the Isle of Wight. I know God has called me here for a reason. But I wonder how long for? Will it be for a year, three years? One month? Two months? Three months? I don’t know. Not till I get a job. Not till I find a job.  Which has no longer become an obsession for me.  More like a hindrance. I don’t like applying for jobs. It is demoralising.

But through all this turmoil God has given me a peace I did not have the weeks before. I have a peace and that is important.  I have peace about staying and peace about going.  If the Lord tarries. I am open to where he will lead me. I just don’t know what it entails.  I am not afraid what my future holds. It is in God’s hand. Though I often live with fear and a lot of turmoil, I welcome the peaceful days with an open heart because they are few and far between. God is good and he will get me through this rough period.

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